Iowaheads
by geekheads
Summary: Molly has always lived a perfect life. A loving family, A fun childhood, and more friends then she could ever ask for. After a life changing event Molly is forced to deal with the fallout of her perfect bubble popping and having to redefine her entire life.
1. You Belong With Meme

"Molly are you okay?" Picc tapped me with her pencil.

Of course I was okay. I shook my head. I don't know why picc is always so worried about me.

"You just looked really spaced out. Like you haven't been on this planet for the past 20 minutes"

"Yeah I'm cool. I can just only take so much of Dr. Pratt's speil on derivatives and what not." I complained

"Well it's nice to have you back. Will we be having you at Rebecca's tonight or…?"

"Yeah. Of course I will be. I was just thinking about some stuff"

"Oooh stuff? What kind of stuff? Trouble in paradise? You have to tell me about it right now!"

"Picc it's nothing I promise" I chuckle "Don't make a big deal out of this okay?"

"How do you expect me not to make a big deal out of this! Fine, you don't have to tell me now but you never paid me back for that coffee from Rebecca's remember? You owe me"

The bell rings signifying the end of class. I go to pack my things into my bag but I can still feel her staring at the side of my head. It's a thing she does when she REALLY wants to know. Most people would fold under the pressure and give her what she wants but i've developed a technique to defend myself against the Picc stare. I tilt my head and shoot her a look that says "You're better than this kiddo". The patented Molly face. She understands and continues packing her stuff up so we could both leave. We dodge and weave our way down the hall to the juniors lockers. Panda is standing at the very last locker on his row leaning up against it talking to Dude. Really it was just amazing to see Panda at school this early. He usually didn't show up until after lunch. And now he was standing here talking to his long time crush? What a day it must be for him.

"Panda is that really you? I thought you didn't exist until 4th block" Picc called out

"I don't, actually. This is all a dream. Me and Dude are actually ghosts. We died in a horrible car accident last night on our way to do some errands for his mom"

"Oh so you two were hanging out last night?" I raise my eyebrows at Panda

Panda blushes and his jaw hangs slightly gaping.

"Uh, I will see you later Panda" Dude says blushing even harder than Panda. "I'll uh bring the DVD to Rebecca's. See you guys!"

"Bye, Dude!" Picc yells as Dude quickly shuffles down the aisle of lockers. "So Panda what's this DVD? Is he already making you a sex tape?"

"Picc don't be fucking disgusting. He's lending me his copy of High School Musical okay?"

Picc and I exchange a glance and we both bust out laughing. "What do you need a dvd of High School Musical for? They legit play it every week! Do you even like the movie? Panda please, this is ridiculous!"

"I don't need this okay. I am going to lunch you assholes can follow me or you can stand there and laugh" Panda slammed his locker and stormed off.

"Wait Panda save us a seat!" Picc yelled running after him

I hooked a right around the end of the aisle of lockers, passed a couple rows, and arrived at my own locker. It became easy to distinguish which one was mine from the stickers and love notes that were regularly hanging off of it. I hadn't even bothered to remember which number it was. The rest of the school had marked it for me. I grabbed my Harry Potter lunch box that I have used since 3rd grade and todays love letter and headed down to the cafeteria.

The cafeteria was a lot like every other cafeteria. Well probably not like every other cafeteria seeing as how this school is horribly underfunded and there's maybe 200 kids in the entire school and we all eat lunch at the exact same time. How does that honestly compare to any other school? I couldn't tell you I've never been out of Iowa or this god forsaken town. Sometimes it feels like a pit i'll never get out of. Other times it feels like the only place I'll ever want to be. I think maybe i'm too young to be making these kinds of decisions. I'll decide when I'm in college next year.

Panda and Picc were sitting at our normal spots on the very end of the row of tables with Rokin and the rest of our gang. Truthfully we probably had too many people we closely associated with. I'd like to think it made the school a better place. If a fourth of the school's population was all pretty chill with each other than there couldn't be that much drama. I sat down across from Picc and handed the note over to Panda to be read aloud.

"So what does today's shakespeare have to say, Molly?" Rokin asked

"I don't think I can actually say any of this out loud. This is actual filth. There's no way Hammer or Franklin didn't write this one"

The four of them turned to look at the two boys further down the table. They seemed to be locked in some kind of debate with Naps and Dude. Knowing them it was probably about which lunch lady was hotter. Not the smartest group of boys to be around but they were always entertaining.

"Hey guys, check out what's going on behind us." Picc whispered

Molly looked over her shoulder to find a couple freshmen sitting together. Res was showing off some new comics to Kate who was looking on like a kid in a candy store. Kappy and Extra sat together beside them and mixed together all the food on their trays. Who could blame them really, this stuff is disgusting.

"Picc, what do you mean there's nothing weird going on behind me?" I asked

"No, not behind you dummy! Behind me. It's the new kid."

"C'mon Picc he has a name. It's Isol." Rokin explained "He's in my engineering class and he's ridiculously good at it. I think he moved from somewhere out east?"

"Well are we just gonna leave him to sit all alone or are we gonna do something?" I asked. Panda and Rokin shuffled around awkwardly in their chairs and Picc completely avoided eye contact.  
"Maybe we can invite them over here?" Picc asked

"Are they gonna sit in the floor? What exactly is your plan here?" Panda shot back

"Well to be fair this is the first time all year you've actually been here for lunch. I just thought he could take your seat?"

"Picc has brought forth some very good points. Panda, you can't deny that" Rokin added

Panda glared at them both

"Well, if no one is gonna do anything then I could go sit with him?" I added

"You go ahead Molly I uh, think i'm gonna stay here" said Picc

Rokin and Panda shook their heads in agreement.

"Fine, I'll go by myself" I stood up and immediately felt everyone's eyes on me. Being popular at a very small school can have its upsides and its downsides. I make my way over to Isol's table and they might be the only person in the school not watching me right now. He's absorbed in a book whose name I can't quite make out. He looks up at me at the last second before I sit down. He rips the earphones out of his ears and looks up at me.

"Um hi? Can I help you? He asks

"Oh no I just wanted to come over and say hi. We noticed you were kinda alone and new so I wanted to do something to change that. It's Isol right?"

"Yeah, and you are Molly right?"

"Yes!"

"I've actually heard a lot about you"

"Oh really like what?"

"Is it true you ran away from home your sophomore year and joined Daughtry on tour for a whole year?"

And there it was. Another one of the ridiculous rumors that followed me around. It's probably my fault for never shutting any of these down the second they start. Truthfully I kind of like the mystery it creates for my own reputation. Would I ever admit that out loud? No. Am I going to answer Isol's question honestly? Hell no. Isol's headphones were still blaring music. He was listening to Taylor Swift. Maybe I could change the subject

"Where did you hear that from?"

"Oh I'm not sure I think I overheard it from someone in one of my classes"

"Did you perhaps hear it in the same place you heard this awesome new T Swift song?"

"Oh, uh, not exactly" Isol blushed

"I just love her new song You Belong With Me. It's so cute! Are you going to her concert tomorrow?"

"Yeah, I thought about it but I just don't have the time or the friends really"

"Well you can come with us if you'd like"

"Oh uh, no thanks I don't wanna intrude"

"That's fine. Hey if you ever wanna come sit with us that fatty Panda is hardly ever here so you're always welcome to join us"

"Oh thanks Molly. It's so nice to meet you. You're even better than I've heard about!"

The bell rang to tell us to go to class. I smiled at Isol and got up to go back to my friends. They were all watching something closely in the middle of the table. I took a couple steps towards the table before I could make out exactly what it was. It was my motorola razr buzzing around in a circle in the middle of the table. I picked it up just in time to see the display go from incoming call to call missed. 5 missed calls from dad. Great.

"So was no one gonna tell me about all 5 calls from my dad?"

"If it makes you feel better there's another 4 from you mom too" Picc added

Great. This was all just great.


	2. Dinner at Rebecca's

"So what was that call from your dad about?" Panda slammed the door to his car

Panda always drove me home after school because he lives caddy corner to me. We both live outside of town. Separately we're pretty isolated but by crow we're pretty close. Picc usually tags along on the days she has cheerleading practice which is usually held in the most inconvenient place possible. Remember how I said we were underfunded? Well we can't even really afford a gym. We share one with the middle school essentially right beside us. And yes that means Picc is usually too lazy to walk a couple hundred feet to get to practice. We still love her though. Rokin tagged along because his mom teaches at the middle school. So really they're both lazy turds. But they're MY lazy turds.

"Yeah you disappeared pretty quickly after lunch, what's up?" Picc sounded concerned

Panda immediately swung out of the parking lot without looking, nearly hitting someone. Panda lifted up his arm and flipped the person the bird."Asshole! Get out of my way!"

"Jesus Panda, are are you trying to kill me? You KNOW that I already have my concert outfit on!" Rokin cried

"The concert isn't until tomorrow Rokin…" I said

"I am ready to GO"

"Apparently" I chuckled

"Don't ignore us Molly" Panda leered from the front seat

"Okay guys...this is really serious" I started

"Like Chris Brown hitting Rihanna serious?" Rokin gasped

"Rokin, please!" we all say in unison

"It's not THAT serious but it's just troubling"

"Are you gonna keep leading us on or can I put on a cd?"

"Panda just focus on driving I'm getting to it!" I pull out my phone to feel a little less awkward "So it's about my parents"

"Are they getting a divorce?" Picc grabs my hand. "Because a lot of people go through this and it's okay. We'll always be here for you babe."

"No, No. It isn't that serious. They're just smothering me. All nine of those calls were to tell me about some letter I got from some college and how much they love me and are proud of me"

"So what exactly is the problem again?" Panda questioned

"What do you mean what's the problem? I can't escape my parents! That's a problem!"

"Honey, even for you this is a bit lame" Without even turning on his blinker Panda whipped the car into the middle school parking lot.

"Well what does THAT mean?"

"Hold on I can't focus and drive." Panda swerved through a couple small children and finally found a place to park near the gym. One day Panda is gonna hit one of them. Panda has never traditionally been a good driver. I don't wanna say it's because he is asian but he is the only asian in River City and he happens to also be the worst driver in River City. By far. The day he got his license he came to pick me up and backed into my parents car. Make of that what you will. "What I mean is that you've had a perfect life! Nothing bad has ever happened or will happen to you. You're a ball of sunshine for everyone around you. If your biggest problem is that your parents love you a little too much then trust me you are doing better than at least 95% of us. You're gonna be going off to college pretty soon anyway so it's not a big deal."

Picc and Rokin reluctantly shake their heads and quickly exit the car.

I can't argue with any of Panda's points I know I've had it easy. Sometimes though, and I mean very rarely, it feels like a curse. I can't help but feel like this is it for me. I hardly ever have to struggle or overcome something. Most things are served to me on a silver platter. I've grown to be everything I'm supposed to be without having to lift a finger. You know how sea turtles are born on land with no parents or help or anything? They just instinctively know they have to get to the water and everything will be fine. But along the way a lot of them actually die. They get stepped on, or eaten, or kidnapped. And that's just their dangers on land. When they get in the water they have a whole ocean of trouble waiting for them. That's kinda what life feels like. I just casually stroll down to the rest of my life in a tide pool while i watch everyone around me get picked off by birds of prey. And there's nothing bad about my life. It's just boring being perfect.

We pull into Panda's driveway and I take "Don't Forget" the Demi Lovato cd that Panda that had been listening to and put it in its case. When I ejected the CD "Poker Face" by Lady Gaga blared through the speakers.

"Um rude?"

"Panda please you play this every time we're in the car. You need a break."

"I am perfectly fine at moderating myself!"

"Trust me you really aren't. You can't even park straight again do you think I really trust you not to go overboard with this?" Panda looks out his windows and realizes he's done it again. I have to crawl out the drivers side door everyday because Panda parks way too close to his dad's truck and he would kill him if he even breathed on it the wrong way. I had to kind of awkwardly straddle him to get out. He's kinda cute, I'd probably be into him if he was straight, but he's gayer than a picnic basket.

"One day i'm gonna get used to parking around that thing. It's the black that throws me off I swear. I can't tell how close it is."

"Panda please go and get glasses."

"Absolutely not I can see just fine." Panda stands up and holds the door open for me to crawl through.

"Well then I hope you have the best eyesight in the world to watch your boyfriend's sex tape." Panda pumps the door in my direction and I flinch to protect my face. We both laugh

"Okay well one he isn't my boyfriend. I don't even like him like that. And Two are you coming to Rebecca's tonight or are you gonna be zoned out the whole time there too?"

"I can promise I will be there. Outside of that I am no future seer. Maybe you could tell me?"

"Listen here bitch I can see just fine! I'm gonna be over in an hour or so to pick you up so we can go alright?"

I shake my head as I flop out of the car into the gravel making up Panda's driveway. Panda heads inside as I reach back into the car to grab my bookbag. Panda gives me one last look before he opens his front door and heads inside. I shoot him one back and then I begin to make my short walk home.

The walk was one of my favorite parts of the day. I could relax and be myself. There's something about being in nature that is so relaxing to me. In british lit one year our teacher had told us about something called the "sublime" and how you could reach a point of total submersion in the universe. I don't know If I believed in all of that but it was a nice thought to think about.

I climbed over the fence that separated our backyards. It was originally for the farm our parents were thinking about starting. They never got around to a full on farm but I do remember there being cows around when I was really young. The thought that I could have been a farm girl who wakes up a the crack of dawn to feed her chickens disturbed me. However maybe it's the exact kind of struggle I need.

I reached the backdoor of my house. My parents still weren't home and wouldn't be for awhile. I set my backpack down on the dining room table and headed to get something to eat. The fridge was packed with the usual stuff. Capri suns, pepperoni slices, shredded cheese, and about 10,000 ton of pudding. For some reason my mom thinks pudding s the key to health. Why? I couldn't tell you but no one wants to tell her otherwise. She'll be on a new kick within a month anyway. I dig through and grab a cup of chocolate pudding and a capri sun. I shut the door and one of the many pictures I drew as a kid falls off it's position on the fridge an lands in a small puddle of water underneath the fridge. I don't bother to pick it up.

Panda said he would he would be around in an hour or so so that meant I had at least two hours to chill before I saw any sight of him. I sit down at the family computer in my dad's office and boot up Runescape. I could disappear in this game for months really. I used to play a lot more serious when I was younger but now it's just kind of an escape. Now I just sit around and fish and make friends. It's nice to be around people who don't know or care about you every now and then. I guess this is my sublime. I am greeted to the familiar sound of the startup menu. It's an iconic sound and very nostalgic. I log in and I appear where I left off last time- in Varrock, my favorite town in the game. I walk over to the water and cast my line in. Nothing happens for a while. Some people gather and I see a name I recognize. Newt301 came over and stood right beside my online avatar. Whoever he was he seemed to be an eccentric player. He always seemed to have the best stuff. Maybe he payed for it. I didn't matter to me much though. He was always fun to be around even though he never said much.

My phone buzzed on the desk in front of me. I opened it to see a message from Panda.

 **Im gnna b a lttle l8.**

Shocker.

Newt301 and I sat beside each other and just fished. Most of the time I talk to him and he rarely ever answers. I thought about trying to strike up a conversation but not even I wanted to deal with the frivolities of conversation right now. So today we just sat in virtual silence. And it was nice. VIrtual reality is the future.

Panda's car pulled up about an hour later. He was only 34 minutes later than he previously agreed to. I'd like to think that this was some kind of character development.

Rebecca's was packed today. It felt like half the school was there. In reality they probably were. The freshmen were in the corner looking at some more comics. Tk and Shether were sitting together working on some kind of a project together. Dusk and Lime were behind the counter furiously making drinks to keep up with the growing number of people in the restaurant. Panda and I walked over to our normal booth only to find Naps sitting there drinking some unidentifiable liquid.

"Naps it's five in the afternoon, this is a little early to be drinking don't you think?" mocks Panda

"I agree with you Panda. Five in the afternoon is WAY to early to be drinking. I can see how you would be concerned about that if I was the one drinking and I am not so back OFF fatty."

"Then what is in the bottle Naps?" I slide in right beside him

"It's just water!"

"Why would you bring water to a coffee shop?" Panda asks

"I don't need this from EITHER of you. I am LEAVING"

"You going back to Canada moose boy?"

"Panda please." I place my arms on naps shoulders. "Just stay awhile Picc and Rokin are gonna be here pretty soon"

"Fine I will stay but I am NOT putting up with anymore ABUSE"

We all settle in to out places and the mood relaxes. I reach into my bookbag to get my things out to start on my homework but Panda is suddenly tapping my foot. I look up to see he's giving me that Panda face. It's the one that says "This is your chance! Suck his cock!" I know this because it's the exact text message that showed up on my screen a couple seconds later. I shoot back the most disappointed Molly face I could muster.

"Hey Naps" I say loudly to get Panda's attention

"Yes Molly?"

"Do you have any clue when Dude is getting here? I heard he had some things for Panda?" I can feel the hole being burned in the side of my head.

"Yeah he's gonna be here pretty soon. I think he had some chores or he had to drop off his sisters or something"

"Oh so he's not with anyone special?" A hard kick comes right at my shin.

"I mean I guess his sisters would be pretty important. Why do you have a crush on him? Is Molly finally gonna step down from her throne and interact with us commoners?"

"Oh no i'm not prepared for that yet. I'm just uh, asking for a friend"

"Oooh which one? Is it Rokin?"

"This is gross and I'm not staying for this any longer!" Panda slides out of the booth and gives me one last look of disapproval as he stands up at the end of the table. He whips around as dramatically as possible nearly knocking over the table next to us. The salt and pepper shakers both come flying off the table and smash on the ground in a glorious mess.

"Don't worry about it, I got it!" Lime yells from somewhere I can't see. In no time he is here with a rag and two new shakers. It's always akward watching someone clean up a mess you made. You know you should help but in a situation like this what could we realisticly do that wouldn't get in Limes way?

"Lime i'm so sorry about Panda he's gained a bit of weight and he isn't sure how to throw it around just yet"

"Oh it's no problem Molly. Just happy I could help. However I do have two questions for you"

"Ask away!"

"Okay well first of all, Naps what is in that bottle? Me and dusk made a bet on whether it was vodka or everclear and I just have to know."

"FINE. If everyone has to know it's moonshine"

"Naps holy shit" we all say in unison

"I just wanted to try it okay. Get off my BACK!" He says as he slumps over in the booth.

"Whatever you want dude I just wouldn't let Rebecca see you with it" Lime adds

"So what is your other question?"

"Oh yeah. So remember how way back a long time ago when we used to sing in the church choir?"

"Lime are you trying to recruit me for Jesus?"

"Goodness no. It's just Rebecca was thinking about having some live performances here on the weekends and I was wondering if maybe you wanted to work together and maybe we could perform a couple songs?"

"Oh wow Lime that's a tall order"

"Yeah I know it's a lot but there isn't exactly a lot of talent around here so I just thought I would ask you. Here's my number." he hands me crumpled piece of paper from the front of his apron. "Just call me if you decide on what to do"

"I'll definitely think about it. Thank you Lime" He smiles at me and then disappears somewhere behind the counter. What a guy.

A couple minutes later Picc, Rokin, and Dude all walk in through the front door. Picc and Dude squeeze in with Naps, Panda, and I. Rokin immediately goes to order a drink and flirt with the other barista boy Dusk. Love is in the air. Everyone is happy. It's moments like these I wish would never end because it's impossible to say that life isn't good. Maybe I don't need a struggle.


	3. When A Swift Calls

I was kind of spacey on the ride home. I know Panda hates that, but he has "La La Land" blasting from that same damn Demi Lovato CD and is loudly wailing along. So, he's alright. I felt around for the crumpled piece of paper in my pocket that had Lime's number on it. Everyone knew Lime as the very talented musician that he is. Everyone loved Lime, he's a good guy. We expect big things from him in the future. But...I couldn't help but think there was more to him than wanting to hang out with me just for musical reasons. I wonder if he's ever one of the "Shakespeares" that leave love notes on my locker. Do I like Lime? I don't know. Maybe I'll know when we hang out. Suddenly Panda turns down the music.

"I'm gonna drop you off at your house alright? It's way too dark for a pretty girl like yourself to be roaming around out there"

"Ah my knight in shining armor. How can I ever repay you?"

"You can get with Naps"

"Naps? Why would I do that?"

"Because you two clearly like each other"

"I think you must be confusing me for someone else"

"You can deny it all you want but I see the truth." Panda turned off the dirt road and into the gravel driveway in front of my house. "Don't worry I'll take care of all of this for you"

"Panda I swear"

"It will be fine! Now get out of my car I was supposed to be home 9 minutes ago."

I get out of the car and slam the door. One day I'm actually gonna fight this dude. Panda backs up way too fast throwing dirt and rocks everywhere. He makes one jerk on the wheel and the car turns and then lurches backwards and Panda tears off back down the road.

I quickly go inside and mom is meal prepping for the next few days, including my favorite meal: skillet potatoes with ham.

"Hey Moll Doll!" my dad greets me while picking his guitar.

This is all too much. I give a fake smile and wave and head off for bed.

Once I'm in bed I pull out my phone and flip it open. I scrolled down to Rokin's name and I type my message.

 **So u n Dusk?**

Knowing Rokin it could be awhile before I get a reply but within a couple minutes my phone begins to buzz and light up.

 **Yeah jst kinda happened lmao**

 **Rlly great guy**

 **Wasting my minutes**

 **Ttyl**

Poor guy is still having to buy his own minutes. But I'm happy for him. I'm happy for everyone. Everything is looking great for everyone. Panda and Dude are getting together. Rokin and Dusk too. Picc seems happy. I'm going to college pretty soon to find my own identity. Everything is perfect.

I get up early the next morning to go to the local record store to hopefully get some cd's for the long drive tonight. If I have to listen to Demi Lovato one more time then I might scream even more than she does. Res is there to greet me like always.

"Hi, Molly!" she greets me

"Hey Res how's business today?"

"It's great considering you're our first customer!"

"Oh well thank you so much!"

"But honestly the physical market is in a steep decline ever since the release of the ipod and with the release of the Iphone two years ago it's only getting worse" a voice calls out from behind a row of records.

"Tk I told you. You either need to buy something or leave. Stop harassing all my damn customers!"

"Fine I'm leaving! See you guys at school!"

"I'm so sorry about him. He just comes in everyday and rates every album on the shelf. I don't think he's even listened to half of them but it's whatever. Let me know if you need any recommendations, I know our inventory pretty well. However if you do take the last copy of The Black Parade I will cut you"

I flashed a smile.

"Hey" said a vaguely familiar voice next to me.

I looked up and saw Shether, one of my oldest friends.

"Hey sheth how you doing?"

"I'm pretty good today. Hey, you're going to the Taylor Swift concert tonight in Des Moines aren't you?"

"I sure am! I'm so excited. I love her"

"Yeah I really dig her music too, I'm so jealous"

"Wait, really?"

"Yeah just about everyone around here does. Even Res up there is a huge fan. Just about everyone is gonna be at that concert tonight. I'm sure you're gonna be up on stage singing right along with her?"

"Oh well, who knows! Crazier things have happened!"

I grab a Michelle Branch CD from the bargain bin and pay for it at the front.

* * *

"Molly hurry up! if we wanna be on time for the concert we have to go right now!" Picc yelled

"I'm going as fast as I can okay!" The Taylor Swift concert was in exactly 4 hours and it took at least 1 hour to get to Des Moines. "Remember we gotta stop at my house so I can get some things?"

"We're all stopping at MY house anyway so you can walk princess" Panda shot back

"I can't believe we're actually going to see Taylor Swift right now!" Picc squeals from the back seat.

"Well we're technically not going anywhere yet" Panda says weaving in and out of the parking lot

"And we're definitely not getting there with the way Panda is driving today" Rokin laughed

"What do you mean _today_ " I retort

"Can I live? Just one day? Please"

"Well if everyone is done being so rude to each other I'd like to talk about the elephant in the room" Picc says.

"And what exactly is that?" I ask

"The fact that everyone except me is getting cozy with some boy!"

"Picc please" We all say in unison

"Okay fine then. You guys can ignore the fact that you're falling in love but as the neutral party In this equation I choose not to and frankly, it's adorable"

"Picc no one is falling in love with anyone" I say

"Well actually…" Rokin quiet says

"See guys I fucking told you! And when Lime and Dude both come knocking on both of your doors asking to go to homecoming just remember I told you so!"

"Wait Lime? Who is falling for Lime" Rokin turns around in his seat to face both of us

"Lime gave me his number last night" I said

"What?!"

"Yeah he did it when Panda's fat ass knocked over some shakers, and you were too busy fucking Dusk with your eyes to notice" I slapped his arm

"Molly… honey… no…"

We all understood what he meant. The car was silent. Panda reached over to grab he Demi cd to try and cut the silence but Rokin smacked his hand away.

"At least I have Tubbs right?"

We get to Panda's house with exactly 4 hours and 30 minutes till the concert. That meant we had exactly an hour until it was time to head to Des Moines. Picc, Rokin and Panda all went inside Panda's house and I made the hike over to my own house to pick out my shirt for the concert. As I got closer I saw my dad's truck parked behind the house. He must be home early to work on it. The back door is wide open so it must have been pretty recently. He's probably behind the shed where I can't see him. I'll go to the opposite side. I still need some space. As I get even closer I hear a car come down the dirt road leading to our house and pull into the driveway. Great. Mom must be here too. There's no avoiding this I guess. I go right up to my dad's work shed. His tools are still neatly arranged and in their place inside. Everything's in its place. Guess I was worried about nothing. I hear a knock on the front door. Mom must have forgot her keys. I head inside to let her in but dad has reached her before I even got inside as there is no sign of either of them. I head upstairs and my floral tank and black jeans were sitting right on my bed where I had laid it out earlier that morning. I look at my phone. 4 hours till concert time. Plenty of time to get dressed and chill out for a minute before I head back. I get dressed and looked in the mirror at myself and for the first time in a couple days I felt shitty. Oddly enough it's because I realize how amazing I look in this outfit and realize just how good I have it again. None of this is anyone's fault really. I'm way too hard on myself. I'm way too hard on my parents. I zone out into this thought spiral for what feels like hours. This is something I've been doing a lot lately. Maybe this is the sublime? Being so one with the universe you don't even realize the man watching you from just outside your bedroom door.


	4. Knick at Nite

"Molly, sweetie, can you please just talk to us?"

I flinched and she took her hand off of me. Everybody was staring at me. Waiting for me to speak but I didn't even know how to start.

You know that feeling you get when you're in the dark? Not like a little dark when you're out on the street at night. The kind of pitch black darkness where you can't see your own hands in front of your face. The kind of darkness where you know there are things around you but you can't do anything about it? You just have to wander in the dark and hope you don't impale yourself or get violently murdered? That's what this feel like. There's eyes everywhere. I can't prove they're looking at me but I know it. Everytime I look up I find another pair dodging to get away from me. Normally this is not the kind of thing that bothers me. But now everyone has this look in their eyes. The look at me like they know something I don't. I used to have the upper hand.

"Molly c'mon, we just wanna help you. Just say something."

I'm ignoring them and they know it. I try to space out but I can't quite get far enough away from this all even in my own head.

"What more is there to say? A man broke into my house and neither my dad or I noticed. He stole a couple things and went about his way. It's no big deal."

"What do you mean it's no big deal?" Rokin practically yells back. "I've never seen you this detached from reality"

"I'm fine. I just need some time okay?" Picc and Rokin both shake their heads. They both go back to eating their lunch and we sit in silence again. Panda isn't here as usual. Maybe I should be thankful for that. There's no way he would have made any of this any better. I'm really glad Isol didn't take his seat either. It might be a god thing that he's still sitting alone over there. Don't wanna ruin his innocence just yet. I think I actually like that seat better empty. It's nice to have something that feels normal right now. Picc is in front of me. Rokin is to my right. Everything is perfect. Well not everything, but this is the closest it could get.

"Hey guys do you mind if I sit here?"

Yeah, you know what Dusk? I actually do mind. I mind a whole lot. But before I could even say anything Rokin has practically forced him into the seat.

"Molly I heard about what happened. Are you okay?"

"Yeah i'm fine I just -"

"She really doesn't wanna talk about it" Rokin interjects "Let's change the subject to anything else!"

"Oh. Sorry Molly I didn't know. I'll leave you alone then. But uh Rokin you're coming with me after school right?"

"Yeah of course babe" And just like that they're both gone. Not like physically gone but there's no way they see anybody else but each other right now. It's kinda cute if I'm being honest. I hope one day someone would look at me like that.

"Molly I know you really don't wanna talk but…" Picc reaches over to cuddle my hand "I was just wondering if you were coming to my competition this weekend?"

"Oh uh Picc I-"

"It's okay if you don't. I understand this is hard for you and if you can't come I totally understand."

"No Picc I'm definitely gonna be there."

She smiles and nearly tackles me out of my chair.

"I love you" She says

"I love you too princess"

The bell rings and we all head off to class.

History class is up next. Hammer, and Franklin are there. They are easily the horniest boys in school but today I was kind of looking forward to all of their dick jokes and innuendos. It'd be a welcome change to all the sympathy I was getting. Maybe they could treat me normal. I went into class and caught the end of their conversation. I sat down before they noticed me.

"...you're not supposed to do prone, that's bad for you" Hammer said

"Dude sh" Franklin slapped Hammers arm to bring his attention to me

"What's the topic of discussion today, fellas?" I flashed Franklin a smile

"Uh-" he averted my gaze

Oh no. Not them too. I looked around the room to see if there was a soul who could treat me normally. All eyes on me. But then Mr. Fog started his lecture about the Whig party.

"Man I really hate this guy. I don't think he ever even got a teaching license." Franklin whispers to me and Hammer

"It's History, it's not exactly rocket science. I bet I could teach this" I say

"You know I heard he has like multiple copies of every Britney Spears album in his desk." Hammer says.

"No fucking way dude. He definitely looks like more of a Madonna guy."

"Naps said he found them one day while he was helping him with a project. If you don't believe me you can go look for yourself!"

"Omg who still listens to Madonna. She's older than my mom" Hammer sneered

"Excuse me guys is there a problem?" Mr. Fog yells in our direction

"Uh no sorry Mr. Fog, please carry on" Hammer yells back

"Do I need to call your mom again Mr. Hammer?"

"I wasn't even the only one talking dude!"

"Society has hurt them enough. You on the other hand are causing a fucking scene in my class. So I will ask again. Do I NEED to call your mom?"

"No Mr. Fog"

"It's Mr. Fag to you chillen"

Hammer grumply sinks down into his desk.

"Yo why does he even talk like that? He isn't even black?" Franklin whispers

"Are you sure he isn't black? He looks pretty ambiguously brown to me" I whisper back

"You know I heard he's really into exhiitionism. One time he had his boyfriend wet himself on a bus just so he could get off" Hammer says

"Hammer please shh" I whispered

"HAMMER"

"Yes Mr. Fog?"

"GET OUT!"

"This is your chance dude good luck" Hammer says before pushing all his things into his bag and heading out of the classroom along side Mr. Fog.

"I'm going in." Franklin whispers to me.

"Going where exactly?"

"You'll see" Franklin runs to the front of the classroom and starts furiously digging through Mr. Fogs desk. He opens drawer after drawer before he gets to the bottom and biggest drawer. I can't see what he has found but his face contorts like he's just struck gold. He runs back to his desk and sits down just as Mr. Fog enters the classroom.

"Can I just say this school is really messy and disorganized and not really structured well?" Mr. Fog complains. "Well as I was saying the whigs…."

"Well what did you find dude?" I ask Franklin

"You are never gonna believe any of this. So I didn't find any Britney Spears of Madonna cd's. HOWEVER I did find something even better!"

"Well?"

"You know Nick Jr. right?"

"Yeah who doesn't?"

"Okay you know the show The Backyardigans?"

"Yeah Panda's little brother is always watching it when I'm over at his house."

"No joke he literally has about 10 different dvd's of The Backyardigans. And that's not even it. There's stickers and cutouts of the pink one and enough fan merchandise to last a anyone a lifetime"

We both laugh so hard we cry. The class goes on for what should have been 20 more agonizing minutes but neither of us can stop laughing long enough to take this seriously.

"Hey Molly" he finally says while he bangs my fingers with his pencil to get my attention.

"Yeah?"

"I just wanted to say I heard about what happened yesterday."

Oh no. Not him too.

"I feel really bad.I know you might not wanna talk about it right now but if you ever do i'm here for you. You have my number right?"

Oh that wasn't so bad.

"I don't think I do actually here write it down for me." He rips a strip of paper out of his notebook and his hands shake while he writes down his phone number. It's barely legible when he's done but it's the thought that counts right? Maybe I will text him later.

We walk to Panda's car in silence. There's been a huge tension in the air since lunch. I would have walked home had it been close enough. But Picc insists atleast letting her put an arm around me as we walk to Pandas car together. I really don't deserve her.

"What's up ladies!" Panda yells as we climb in the car. "Molly how are you?"

"I'm fine. Can we just go?"

"Geez, yeah we can sorry to bother you."

"Panda please can we just go" Picc says from the back.

"Sorry for worrying about my friends. I'll just fuck off I guess!" I was right. Panda was not making this any easier. "Where is Rokin?"

"With his new boyfriend" I add

"Oh" Panda says looking saddened by the news "So he's just gonna ditch us like that?"

"Panda please"

"Alright, alright, I'll go, damn." The car rockets backwards and we are off weaving through traffic and high school kids again. He runs a stop sign and then we're on the main road. It's silent now that no one wants to talk and Panda pops in my Michelle Branch cd I bought for our trip yesterday. "Everywhere" starts playing and Picc softly sings along.

"Panda do you mind if I chill at your house for awhile? I uh, really don't wanna go home just yet." I nervously ask

"Yeah that's fine, I'd be glad to have you I actually have something to talk to you about. Picc do you wanna come over after your practice too?"

"Nah I'm cool. I just kinda want to be alone for awhile"

"You okay?" I ask

She just stares out of the window.

"Do we need to have a group therapy session for the both of you?" Panda says pulling into the parking spot at the middle school

"Fuck off Panda"

"What is your problem Picc?" Panda says turning around in his seat?

Picc grabs her bag and storms out of the car. The door slams behind her and panda gives me a look of utter confusion.

We pull out of the parking lot and Panda begins to rant. He's talking a mile a minute about Picc and the "audacity" of some people. When he gets like this I just can't keep up. I pull out my phone to try and distract myself. I scroll through the names on my phone to see if I can find anyone who would take me away from here. Naps? Nah he's probably busy. Franklin? Nah he's at football. Lime? Perfect. I select his name and open up a text.

 **Hey im in**

I press send and wait for him to answer. Back in reality Panda. I open my phone to make another text

 **4 the music thing tht is**

 **Promise im not tryin to hack u or anythng**

"Who are you texting molly? Is it Naps?" Panda says while nudging my arm and definitely not watching the road.

"Don't worry about it" I say. "And it's definitely not Naps"

"Dang then. That little bitch was supposed to text you"

"How do you know that?"

"Because I told him to"

"You did what?!"

"I thought you could use something or _someone_ " He nudges my arm again "to help take your mind off of things" I figured you wouldn't get the ball rolling yourself so I took matters into my own hands. "

"Panda what the fuck I don't like Naps"

"Honey you don't even realize it but yes you do. You're gonna thank me down the road"

"No, you don't get it do you? I don't want to talk to anyone. I'm going off to college soon and I have ten thousand other things to deal with I don't need this right now!"

"I was just trying to help!"

"Well stop!"

We fall silent for a while. "You Set Me Free" plays softly in the background.

"You're welcome you know" Panda says breaking the tension

"For what am I supposed to be thankful for now?"

"For calling the police last night? For everything I did last night actually. For everything I always do and get no thanks for."

"Panda really? Are you gonna hang this over my head? Can I have some time to just get everything together?"

"Anything for you Princess"

This is what I asked for I guess. This is my struggle.


	5. 13 Golden Hours Why

I hadn't spoken to Panda in a couple days.

I hadn't spoken to anyone in a couple days really. I needed time alone. Time to really think about myself. At least that's what I told myself I was doing. Instead I spent my time all alone. I slept on the couch. I played runescape. I fished with Newt301. It's been a week since the argument and I still don't know anything more about myself or the universe. Maybe that's the point of all of this. It's nothing. You look for a purpose all your life. You read books. You study Aristotle or Confucius or whatever and then what do you find at the end of all of that? And what do you find at the end of all of that? You find nothing. You find that the purpose of life is to distract yourself with the fact that all this is ultimately meaningless so you can maybe be happy. Maybe this is what the sublime is. It's not something you reach it's something you are whether you like it or not.

Maybe that's too much existential dread for the day.

My life isn't even that bad I've done a good job of distracting myself. Now that I think of it maybe a little too good with it lately.

The sun shines through the curtains in the living room and right into my eyes. I pick up my phone to check the time. 6 am. I should get up soon. However the house is so quiet. My parents are probably upstairs still asleep. The breeze blows ever so slowly through the house and the lights are turned down to just the right level. This is my favorite time of day. This is the physical peace and serenity. These are the kind of scenes that are so beautiful it makes every other shitty thing worth it. Even if you do have to wake up at the butt crack of dawn for it. I'm just gonna take a minute and take all this in

Before long my dad comes down stairs to make breakfast. My books and binders are still thrown all over the floor from the night before. My clothes are draped over the chairs around the room. I pick out what I want to wear and neatly put the others back. Dad comes over to help me clean up my things for school and then we sit down and eat breakfast together. Mom comes down after awhile and we all eat and talk. I mention how I couldn't imagine how this morning could be more perfect but then it starts to pour rain. Most people's day would be ruined by this but not me. It got more perfect. Rain is really underrated. It's chaos but it's beautiful chaos. I'll save you my rain speil but trust me, I could go on about rain forever.

On my way out of the door I pickup my favorite rain jacket and my car keys. I've been driving myself lately because getting a ride home was getting a bit difficult. Technically I didn't have a license but there was no cop in River City that was gonna pull me over or that I couldn't work my way out of a ticket from.

Life at home had shifted but at school life was more of the same. The only huge difference was lunch. Picc wasn't really talking much but really neither was I. Dusk was a new daily addition to our table. It made things ten times more awkward but really those two were so off in another universe they had no time to realize we were there. It somehow made things worse that Picc wasn't here today. It wasn't like her to just miss school like this. I should text her.

 **Hey, how r u?**

Usually we are in constant contact in one way or another. She has been acting weird lately but this kind of thing just happens to her every now and then. She gets quiet for awhile and comes back like nothing ever happened. I'm guessing this time had something to do with Panda. I don't understand why she does the things she does. I've known her since pre-school and yet she might be the person I know the least about. I love her though. She's my best friend. Salt of the earth.

I get to history class and Mr. Fog is already yelling at Hammer

"IW AS EATIG MY FUJCKIGN POPCORN TYOYUU FUCKIGN UNT"

"Mr. Fog I am so sorry I really didn't mean -"

"Just get out!"

4 times in the past week alone he's been kicked out of class like this. That's gotta be a record.

I take the seat beside of Franklin. He' been a nice safety blanket in the past week. He's way too young for me but I'll never burst his bubble like that.

"Hey Frank have you seen Picc at all today?"

"No, but I wish I have"

"What does that mean?"

"Oh I uh, didn't mean anything by it." His cheeks blush. I think. "So homecoming is coming up pretty soon.."

"Oh are you gonna ask her to homecoming?"

"No I was actually gonna ask you"

"Oh"

"Well I was just thinking that like since Obama is president now they'll probably let more interracial couples in the dance and honestly I don't know how much time that dude's got until some redneck assassinates him so you know. I thought I would strike while the iron is hot."

"That's really sweet I think? And I'm honored that you wanna take down institutionalized racism with me but I was really planning on not even going. There's just a lot on my plate right now you know?"

He nods his head in agreement and we carry on as usual. I can't help but feel like I did something wrong. Maybe lying isn't the best way to go about crushing dreams. But I didn't really lie. I'm not going to homecoming unless some kind of miracle happens. My phone buzzes in my pocket. Finally Picc must be alive.

 **R U down 2 practice Sunday?**

It's just Lime. Still nothing from Picc. I should be worried.

The next day I get in my car and go to Picc's house after I eat my lunch. It's still raining pretty hard. My windshield wipers can barely keep up even at maximum speed. Carrie Underwood sings me down the road. Carrie is right, life is like a carnival ride, we close our eyes never knowing where it'll take us next. It really is the Wheel of the World. I hope it's this beautiful at Picc's house.

I sit in my car for while contemplating how to approach this. Situations like this usually require a delicate hand. I've been told that I'm wise beyond my years. Where I got this wisdom? I don't know. The Notebook probably. I've also been told that I'm extremely pretentious. Maybe there's some truth to that but that's not the kind of bullshit I believe in. Pretentious is just a word that normal people like to call us people who choose to live life a little more vivid.

I head up the walkway to Picc's front door. I knock on the door but I hear no one answers. I know she's here because her car is. The door is unlocked so I let myself in. Her door is shut and there's some music playing. It sounds like Taylor Swift. Maybe she's listening to Fearless.

I knock once. She doesn't answer.

She definitely can't hear me over Forever & Always.

I knock louder.

It takes a couple seconds but she eventually turns down the cd player and tells me to come in.

The lights are off and the blinds are shut. The only source of light in the room is the glimmer of sun that is barely reflecting off the tiny uncovered part of the large vanity mirror in the center of the wall to my right. Picc lays in her bed with the covers pulled up around her head. I move some clothes on the floor out of my way and I sit down at her feet.

"Picc what's wrong with you?"

"There's nothing wrong with me Molly, I just needed some time off." she says balancing on her back arm and sitting up straighter.

"Don't give me this bullshit. I wanna know what's wrong with you."

"You didn't come to my competition"

"Picc… I'm so sorry I just completely forgot about it. There's just been so much going on lately and-"

"Listen it's not your fault. I can't help the fact that you weren't there and you can't help the fact that you didn't remember. It's no ones fault. If it's anyone's fault, it's mine. I can't make people care more about than they're willing to and I shouldn't expect it."

"Picc, no I care about you so much. This is all my fault. You should be able to expect more out of me. I'm gonna make it up to you right now. Get dressed you're coming with me"

"Where are we going?"

"Roller Joe's"

I drove Picc and myself to Roller Joe's, the roller skating rink in town. It also has a few bowling lanes because heaven forbid we have a separate bowling alley. This is pretty much the only other place we hang out at besides Rebecca's. It was packed tonight. All of the usual suspects were here: Naps, Hammer, Franklin, Dude- all of them.

"C'mon let's go get our skates!" I smiled at Picc as we skipped over to the counter

"Molly c'mon I really don't want to do this just let me go home"

"Picc do you trust me?"

"I mean I guess I do"

"Then shut your trap and just let me take the lead alright?"

She smiles at me from the side of her mouth. I reach out to grab her hand and she takes it. Really it's less holding hands and more me dragging her to the front desk but we get there nonetheless.

"Hey guys" Kate is polishing a bowling ball while talking to us

"Hey Kate, I didn't know you worked here" Picc said

"Yeah, I just turned 15 and that's old enough to hire me I guess. By the way it's nice to see you Picc. I feel like I haven't seen you around in a while."

"Oh uh thank you so much Kate it's good to see you too. I'm really glad you're around!"

"Thanks! By the way they're letting me DJ tonight do you guys have any requests?"

"Kate i'm sure you'll pick out something wonderful I can't ever decide on these things" I say

"Sweet I know the perfect thing. So uh, How can I help you guys?"  
"Well, we want a few skates. Size 6 and size 8, please"

She hands us our skates and we go down to the side of the rink to put them on. If you catch this place at the right time it's something special. Tonight was one of those nights. It's never the high energy nights were people are dancing. It's also not the nights when barely anyone is here or no one is skating. It's the nights when everything comes together perfectly. The lights are low and there's just the right amount of people here. The pace around shouldn't be too fast either. On perfect nights everyone moves around in a weird kind of unison. Of course it's never gonna be perfect. But it's a certain kind of organized chaos that just feels right. It's like rain.

"Molly I'm not sure about this"

"It will be fine Picc just stay by me"

We head out onto the rink just as Kate dims the lights and puts the first song on. It's "Fireflies" by Owl City. The perfect kind of song to just skate to and forget about everything to. We make a couple trips around the rink glued to each others hips. We're each there to steady each other. We've been coming here and doing this all our lives but sometimes you still need a little help. We finally exit on the opposite side of the rink from where we entered beside Kappy and Extra. Extra is lost in the bridge of the song but Kappy notices us coming and skates toward us.

"Hey Kappy how's it going?" I ask him as he approaches us

"It's going great! Can't you see! Business is booming!"

"Wait what do you mean business"

"Oh you didn't know? I run this place! Well technically I don't run it. Mine and Extra's parents do but when they're not here they put me in charge."

What is up with all of these children running this place? Apparently Iowa has no child labor laws.

"That seems like a lot of responsibility for a 14 year old doesn't it?"

"Oh yeah it's gonna put me in an early grave but it's not so bad I guess"

"Wait" Picc interjects. "Aren't the owners of this place asian?"

"Yes?"

"Oh I thought Panda was the only asian in this whole town."

"Yeah I guess a lot of people get that confused. We're not the pointy eye asian type you know?" Extra yells from his corner

"By the way Picc it's good to see you. Me and Extra missed you in class!" Kappy says

"Oh well thank you Kappy. I missed you both too."

Picc and I sit down at a table off to the side and order a pizza for us to share. Naps, TK, Lime, and Dude all come skate up to us

"Hey Molly! Hey Picc!" Lime waves and flashes me a smile. My heart flips over. Jesus Christ I hate this feeling.

"Hey boys. What's up?"

"Well we heard Picc was around and we just wanted to come see her. We were starting to get worried."

"Well I'm fine guys no need to worry!"

"Lit. Well we'll be around if you need us. See you Picc! See you Molly!"

And Just like that the gaggle of boys is gone and me and Picc and alone again. Maybe I see her smile for the first time today. Maybe she's having a good time.

We eat our pizza, turn in our skates, and head for my car. Outside it's finally stopped raining and the sun is setting. The sky is a brilliant mix of gold and pink. River City isn't a big town. It isn't really a pretty town either. However there isn't a lot that doesn't look pretty at golden hour. From where Roller Joe's is situated just on the edge of town you can see for miles in any direction. I can see the wind blow the leaves on the full grown corn stalks out in the fields to my east. It's the end of summer, so the evening time is finally bearable without the sun beating down on you and the grass is a vivid green. There's an old truck coming down the gravel road to Roller Joe's. Most of the little country roads in this town are gravel and kick up way too much dust on everything. At this time of day though if it hits the sun just right those little dust clouds can be really gorgeous. Me and Picc hop up on the trunk off my car to get away from some of the dust and just to take it all in for a little while longer. I look over to her and she looks off into the distance. There's still a ting of sadness in her eyes.

"Hey Picc"

"Yeah molly?"

"Listen. I know I'm kinda shitty and I'm not there for you all the time like I should be. But I need you to believe I care about you a lot. Even if I'm a piece of shit. I mean well. Even if my text messages and my digital love is never enough for you. I care about you so much. And I need you to believe that. Okay?"


	6. Vantage Point of View

Molly Roth Caesar is easily the prettiest girl in school. Not only was she gorgeous, but she was more or less a complete mystery to guys like me. I heard one time she ran away from home and joined a circus as a trapeze artist. That's just the kind of girl she is. And there's not a single straight guy or lesbian who doesn't want to know what it's like to be in her orbit.

Yeah she's single and I could just ask her out but football players aren't her type. Girls like her don't like football players really. That's something that's only in movies.

Really I'm just a normal guy. Other than football I don't do anything really special. I barely do that special most of the time. I get in trouble probably a lot more than I should. I'm not too worried about any of this stuff though. I'm only a sophomore. Plenty of time to figure shit out. For now my biggest concern is getting to first block on time.

I speed walk in through the front doors and head straight to the lockers. I find Molly's. It's number one hundred fifty six. I take the square note out of my pocket and slide it through the slits on her locker.

When I get to the class room I take my seat in between Lime and Franklin. These two are probably my two best friends in the entire school. Lime doesn't play football but he's just an all around cool guy. Before long Molly saunters in the room and takes a seat and heads snap in her direction. My phone buzzes in my pocket and I slip my hands into my pockets to pull out my phone.

"Hammer don't you fucking dare do this right beside us" Franklin snaps

"Relax I'm just checking my phone. Besides I already did that this morning." It's a text from Naps who is literally sitting across the room from me.

 **U wanna hang l8tr?**

Usually when Naps wants to hang out it involves weird canadian sports or alcohol. The last time we hung out we played that game where you see the headlights and punch the roof then take clothes off. There's no way I'm missing this.

 **Hell ya**

The morning announcements start which we all ignore. The pledge of allegiance starts right after and we all stand except for Naps. His reasoning is something about his BMI being too low. No one Is really sure what that means but no one wants to bother him about it either.

Mr. Tsu began to teach the class so that meant we went right to ignoring him.

"So Molly is pretty hot today right?"

"Hammer please" Franklin replies

"Oh you're one to talk! You asked her to homecoming didn't you"

"How did you know about that?"

"I know things, bitch"

"Guys" Lime interjects. "Molly looks fine every day. Besides neither of you two are ever getting with her. Can we just chill for once and actually listen in class?"

"Oh that's easy for you to say Lime. By the way how is Geekwood Mac doing?" Franklin snaps back

"It's going very well. We were actually just about to write a song about all the losers ogling at her all day"

"Frankly, I'm honored" I say

"Hammer!" Mr. Tsu screams

"Oh come on" I whisper under my breathe

"Do I need to remind of of the job you should be doing?"

"No sir, I was just taking a break"

"A break from what? Eating cheetos all day isn't a job"

Molly Roth Caesar is easily the prettiest girl in school. Not only was she gorgeous but she was more or less a complete mystery to guys like me. I heard the guy who robbed her house was looking for her prized family jewels. That's just the kind of girl she is. And there's not a single straight guy or lesbian who doesn't want to know what it's like to be in her orbit.

Yeah she's single and I could just ask her out but football players aren't her type. Girls like her don't like football players really. That's something that's only in movies.

Really I'm just a normal guy. Other than football I don't do anything really special. I barely do that special most of the time. Sometimes I can write some funny things.

Class ends and I say goodbye to Lime and Hammer and I practically sprint to get beside Molly.

"Hey Molly! You look good today!" I say

"Yeah you look like a model!" Hammer says

"Oh wow. Thank you. You guys are doing wonders for my eagle!"

We all share a look of confusion before we all burst out laughing.

"Okay I gotta go I'll see you guys in history!" Molly says as she walks in the other direction of us two. She's just perfect.

I exit the school and head over towards the middle school. We were outside for gym today and I wasn't planning on changing into my gym clothes so I took as much time as I needed. When I got to the field shared by both schools I found Extra sitting underneath a tree. This was normally the part of the day where he and I sat and had breakfast together and talked about life.

"Hey Frank. I got a good haul this morning! come sit down" he beckons

I take my backpack off and go sit down beside him.

"So I got a couple uncrustables and some milk but I didn't know if you were lactose intolerant or not so I got orange juice too."  
"I am lactose intolerant, Extra. Thank you"

We sit like this for awhile in silence eating our morning meal and making small talk. The clouds are parting and it's beginning to look like a beautiful day. I look out into the distance. Corn. I wish I could say something beautiful about the corn but there's just no words. It's fucking everywhere. In every direction. It was here before I was alive and it will continue to be here after I am long gone. I'm gonna shove an ear in someones butt one of these days. Maybe even my own. You know what they say: City boys have dildos, country boys make do.

I guess Extra noticed I had drifted off into this corn rage and he tapped me on the shoulder.

"So I got a new album for you to listen to"

"Is it Sufjan again?"

"Nevermind then. So I heard about you and Molly. What's going on with that?"

"I think I can honestly say there's nothing going on"

"So you caught the bug too?"

"I've been had the bug bucko. Anyway I think i'm gonna head inside early. I got some business to take care of." I pick up our trash, salute Extra one last time and head inside. I head inside and go straight to the lockers. I head to Molly's locker. It's number one hundred fifty six. I take the square note out of my pocket and slide it through the slits on her locker.

Molly Roth Caesar is easily the prettiest girl in school. Not only was she gorgeous but she was more or less a complete mystery to guys like me. I heard one time she got in a bar fight in Des Moines and kicked a whole biker gangs ass. That's just the kind of girl she is. And there's not a single straight guy or lesbian who doesn't want to know what it's like to be in her orbit.

Yeah she's single and I could just ask her out but I doubt she's into new kids. I mean she talked to me that one time, but she's just a nice girl. Otherwise nobody has really reached out to me yet. People are pleasant enough and welcome me to the school, but the only one who has truly reached out has been Molly. I was so awkward when she was talking to me, but I really appreciated her talking to me on my first day. Maybe I appreciated it too much. I've noticed a lot of people leave her notes on her locker, so I guess I'm not the only one who likes her.

I have an open period during 3rd block so I thought that'd be the perfect time to put my note on her locker. I didn't even proof read my letter because frankly, I'm kind of embarrassed about writing it in the first place.

I rounded the corner to the senior lockers, and there I saw that someone else had the same idea I did.

"Oh, uh, I'll just come back later" I started to turn away

"No, stay, I just slid mine in I'm leaving now" the burly football player said. I think his name is Franklin, one of the only black people in town.

"Hey can-can I ask you a question?" my voice quivers. He raises an eyebrow at me signaling to continue "what is her type?"

"Ah, you wanna know if you have a chance with her?" He laughs

"Well, yeah"

"Who knows man. She's a mystery to all of us. She's never had a boyfriend as far as I know."

"Oh"

"Good luck, bud" he pats my shoulder as he passes me.

I stick my note to the locker and some small part of me wants her to know that it's me.

Molly Roth Caesar is easily the prettiest girl in school. Not only was she gorgeous but she was more or less a complete mystery to guys like me. I heard one time she helped a farmer hand pick his entire harvest of corn because his combine broke down. That's just the kind of girl she is. And there's not a single straight guy or lesbian who doesn't want to know what it's like to be in her orbit.

Yeah she's single and I could just ask her out but I doubt she's into Canadians.

Panda did text me that one time practically begging me to ask Molly out. Honestly, she's hot so it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world. It's just that she has never expressed any interest in me and I like my girls to be easy. Sorry, it's just true. There isn't a girl in this school I haven't at least got to 2nd base with. Well obviously except Molly, Picc, Shether and Kate, so this would be a new challenge for me. I got Molly's number from Panda. I pull out my LG Chocolate and slid it open:

 **Hey its naps panda gave me your nmbr**

To be honest, I kind of expect her not to even reply.

 **Hey naps. I'm kinda busy right now. Mind if we talk later?**

Well, I guess that's that then. Can't say I didn't try.

 **Sorry if that sounded rude, i just have a lot going on.**

"Hey dipshit you wanna pay attention to where you're driving?" Hammer calls out from somewhere behind me.

"Fuck off I got this!" I give the wheel and hard jerk and we're back in our lane and heading further down the highway. We aren't going anywhere in particular. We're already drunk and the best thing to do in Iowa is to get out of Iowa. So sometimes we take drives to see how far away we can get.

"Oh shit turn this one up Naps! This song bops hard!" Dude calls out

Before I can even react TK has the knob in his hand and his ear on the speakers.

The radio screams "Y'all gon make me lose my mind up in here, up in here!"

"Eh this is only like a 7"

"Tk please" we all say in unison

"Hey man I just calls em as I sees em"

There's an audible groan from the back of the car.

Eventually we find a non hip-hop pop station we all can vibe to and we just cruise up the road. We dance. We laugh. We swerve into several different lanes. But everything is okay. We're finally out of corn hell. Suddenly my phone is vibrating again. It must be Molly.

 **So wait you're going where with my bf? We had a jeoprady date 2nite!**

Oh it was just another text from Panda. Lately we have gotten even closer. Today has been a long day of back and forth texting. I can't take it anymore.

"Hey you guys mind if I pull over real quick?" I ask


	7. The First Lime Is The Deepest

The final bell rings at 3:34. Finally, this day is over. It's a Friday and so everyone is buzzing with their weekend plans. I've made up with all of my friends, but I have something else in mind for this weekend.

 **Hey r u workin at rebeccas 2nite?**

I text Lime to try to get the ball rolling with this music thing he asked me about. I want to spend more time with him. He's one of the only guys in school who isn't all over me all the time and I like that a lot.

I got to my locker to put my stuff away and to sift through the new crop of Shakespeare letters in, and on, my locker.

"You're really popular today!" TK smirks as he's putting his stuff away a few lockers down.

"What can I say, I'm completely irresistible lately"

 **No i am free whts up?**

 **Do u wanna work on music 2nite?** I text back

 **Yes!**

 **My rents r out of town at a party do u wanna come ovr?** I text and my fingers shake a little bit.

 **Ok. B ther 6.**

 **Cool!**

My heart does that little flip thing again but this time I just let myself feel it and not feel ashamed about it.

I head out to Panda's car because I took so long at my locker texting Lime that I forgot to meet the gang at our usual place; the bottom of the stairs of the science wing facing the parking lot. I can already hear Demi screaming from the car as I approach it.

"Damn it, Panda" I say as I slide into the front seat "I got you Michelle Branch for a reason!"

"Michelle can never even measure up to Demi. I'm sorry she just can't." We all flash him a questioning look. "...and this is MY car! If you don't like the tunes you can get your own ride home!"

"Molly you look….kind of weirdly excited, what's up?" Rokin asks

"Oh, um...I have plans tonight"

Excited gasps and squeals erupt in the car.

"Omg with a guy?! Who is it? Are you gonna hook up with him?" Picc gushes

"Omg guys no I'm not a slut! I'm not telling you who it is...at least not yet"

"Oh, come _on_ " Panda gives me a suggestive smile

"Just drive please" I punch his arm

I get to my house and immediately head up to my room to prepare myself. I have to shower, shave, tweeze, do hair and makeup too. Ugh, sometimes I wish I was boy. Or at least a girl who was flawless without even trying. All things I never do but what can I say I would totally hook up with Lime if he was into it. I'd be a total slut if I could get away with it; my reputation unscathed. No time to fish with Newt301 today. I have two hours to get everything ready for tonight. I should clean up my room a little bit, too.

An hour and a half passes while I'm working on myself and my room. I put on 97.6, the hits station.

"...cuz you're hot and you're cold. You're yes, then you're no. You're in then you're out. You're up then you're down" I sing and bob my head while I'm shaving a leg.

I finish my leg and now I am just sitting on the edge of my bed just waiting for the doorbell to ring. I have never worked so hard on my appearance. All for some dumb boy who probably doesn't even like me.

 _Tap Tap_

The sound is so faint that if I hadn't turned off the radio after Hot n' Cold ended, I wouldn't have heard it.

I race down the stairs but make sure to slow down before Lime can see me through the glass by the the door.

"Hey!" Lime flashes me a big smile "I would hug you but I have a guitar case in my hand"

"Oh, that's okay" I smile "Come on, let's go to my room, my parents could come home at any minute and if they see a boy here they're going to keep asking about you until I am 35 years old"

We head up the 6 stairs to my bedroom on the left.

"Wow, your room is a lot cleaner than mine!" Lime sets down his guitar case and sets the folder of paper down on my bed.

"So, do you have an idea about what you wanna do with our song?" I ask as we sat down on my floor so we could face each other

"I have a few questions for you first" Lime put a pencil between his teeth. I raise my eyebrow at him to continue "well, what is your vocal range?"

"I don't know what my note limits are, but in choir I'm generally a second soprano. I've been a first soprano before" I reply

"Okay so you like your higher register, this is helpful. I feel like we could have some sick harmonies" He nods his head and starts writing notes

"What's your other question?"

"Oh, yeah, what do you want this song to be about?" Lime glances up at me.

"Unrequited love, probably"

"That's perfect. Especially for high school" he smiles

We continue to work on the song for a while and I eventually sit next to him to look at the lyrics that we have so far. He turns around to look at me. My heart starts pounding. Suddenly I get brave. It's now or never, Molly, you big loser.

I lean in and plant a soft kiss on his lips.

Before I can really lean into it, he backs away.

"uh...Molly, I-" he sputters

"Oh, I-I'm sorry, Lime. I shouldn't have done that. I've just liked you for a bit and I thought if I didn't do that I would never get up the courage to do it again. It's stupid to think that you would even like me like that…" my cheeks are red, and I hide my face.

"Molly-it's not that I just don't like you…"

"No I understand.. I've heard things. It's completely fine with me though."

He gives me a sad look.

"I mean...you're not exactly like Rokin and Panda you know. You seem…"

"Straight?" Lime laughs

"Yes" I chuckle nervously

"What can I say, it's just who I am. I don't feel the need to broadcast my sexuality...but maybe I should make it more obvious"

"I am so sorry, Lime. I shouldn't have assumed"

"It's okay, and hey- it wasn't a bad kiss"

We both laugh as we get back to work.


	8. Molly And Her Amazing Technicolor Dream

Monday morning and I was still reeling from the events of the the past weekend. I can't believe I was so bold to actually lean in and plant a kiss on a guy. That's never how I thought my first kiss was going to go down. I didn't think I even had it in me. I always assumed a guy would be the one planting one on _me_. I can't believe I was so presumptuous to assume that Lime was straight either. I've heard the rumors. I know he's never had a girlfriend.

I'm so dumb.

The weekend was over before I knew it and homecoming week was here. I usually go to the dance with my big group of friends, but love is in the air for most of them. I was planning on asking Lime but we all know how _that_ went. Maybe Franklin is still down to go? Or I suppose I could go with Hammer? Or maybe even Naps? Panda has been desperately trying to get us together.

When I get to school my friends are all huddled around my locker excitedly talking about homecoming. It's spirit week, so we have theme days. Today's theme is "nerd day" so everyone is wearing suspenders and pocket protectors on their button up shirts. We are no exception, we go all out for spirit week.

"I have a surprise for all of you" I say as Picc finishes braiding my hair. Apparently that's nerdy today, I'm just going with it.

I open my locker and pull out 4 pairs of plastic glasses with tape around the nose bridge and hand them to my friends.

"Omg! These are so cute" Rokin says putting them on.

"Does this mean I have to care about homework and grades for a day?" Panda hesitantly puts his on as well

"You should care about those every day, Panda!" I laugh

Dude comes walking up to us with his hands in his pockets and his head down.

"Hey Dude!" I wave

"Hi Molly...uh, Panda can I ask you something?" Dude says nervously

"If it's about your High School Musical DVD I'm sorry I haven't given it back, my sisters are obsessed with it and watch it non stop" Panda starts

"Oh, no, it's not about that-"

"What's up?" Panda interrupts

"Panda, shut up!" Rokin, Picc and I say in unison

"Do you...wanna go to homecoming with me?" Dude asks sheepishly

"Oh my god! Why didn't you just say that at first? Yes, I will!" Panda almost tackles Dude to the ground as he hugs him.

The bell rings for first block. Picc and I have Chemistry together today with Mr. Heart instead of class with Mr. Tsu for some reason. He always plays Britney Spears and Mariah Carey. He will yell at you if you complain about it.

We share a four spot table with Shether and Naps although, while he does occupy space at the table, he is rarely of any help as he's usually napping. This morning was no exception.

"Good morning class, do we have any questions about the reading last night?" Mr. Heart asked.

"What are black hole?" some kid named Evan in the back piped in

The class falls into hysterical laughter.

Mr. Tripp Heart has no patience for idiocy so I can already tell he's getting angry.

I would never admit this, but I kind of like Chemistry. Understanding what chemicals do what is fascinating to me. Today we were doing a lab where we measure the antacid in Tums and other generic products like it to find out which one is best. If anyone was wondering, it's actually Walgreens brand that's best.

"Mr. Heart?" Naps lights our bunsen burner then winks at me "Why do we always have to listen to Britney?"

"You know what?" Mr. Trip starts. Here we go. "You guys just don't give her a chance. All you care about is Katy Perry and don't take the time to listen to older artists. You should give Britney a chance! I don't know why you guys don't like her!"

"Naps why do you have to bully our teacher every day?" I ask

"It's FUN" he replies "Hey, do you know what me and Hammer are planning on doing tomorrow for Red and White day?"

"No, but I have a feeling you're going to tell me" I laugh

"We're going to paint ourselves RED and come to school in nothing but white UNDERWEAR"

"That's gotta be against dress code"

"It'll be worth it, I promise"

Usually I'm partnered with Picc because we're attached at the hip, but today Shether asked Picc if she wanted to be her partner and she said yes. I reluctantly let her go and partnered with Naps. I did keep a watchful eye on them however. As soon as he class is over I run to Picc.

"So that was kind of weird Shether just breaking our pattern like that" I chuckle

"Yeah, um- she actually asked me to homecoming" she smile

"Oh my god, WHAT? What did you say?"

"...I said yes"

"Oh my God this is so great!" I squeal

"Yes, it is. So now we have to get _you_ a date!" she nudges my arm "I saw you getting kind of flirty with Naps over there when he was provoking Mr. Heart"

"Oh my God, not you too! Panda has been trying to get us together for a while now"

"Okay, I'm off to French. I'll see you at lunch!" Picc skipped away.

Later at lunch, Panda and Dude aren't there. Probably making out somewhere.

"Hey babe" Rokin turned to Dusk with a mouthful of sandwich

"Hmmm?"

"We're going to homecoming right?"

"Yes, I already have my outfit picked out" Dusk replies

"Awesome. So, you me, panda and dude, and shether and picc are going in a big group right? We can go to Bertelli's beforehand too. They have really good rigatoni bolognese"

"Guys, quit! Molly doesn't have a date yet!" Picc looks at my sympathetically

"It's fine, Picc. I'll find one and if I don't I'll just tag along with you guys."

"I still haven't gotten my dress yet, we should go shopping after school today at Mimi's" Picc suggested.

Mimi's was pretty much the only formal wear store in town. Spirit week and Prom week are the busiest weeks of the year for Mimi, so we'll probably see a lot of our classmates there after school.

"Yeah, let's see if Panda will drive us"

"Panda will NOT drive you" Panda suddenly appeared behind me along with Dude."Why the fuck do I always have to drive us everywhere?"

"You're the one with your own car" Rokin stuck a fork full of mashed potatoes in his mouth

The bell rings before Panda can even say anything back

Since Panda didn't want to drive us to Mimi's I guess I just had to get by with my dress from last year or something. I get home and my mom was making Chili. She always does that on the first day when it gets below 60 degrees.

"Hi, honey! How was your day?" My mom said stirring the chili

"It was fine. Just this homecoming stuff is a bit overwhelming."

"Don't you have a date? You have all of those admirers"

"Mom, please!" I blush a little bit "It's not just the date thing, it's just that...all of my friends have dates this year and they don't even want to go shopping with me this year. It's my last year and it's just so different"

"That happens. You guys are just growing up and some of you are going to get left behind, that's just how it works." she shakes her head "You can try on one of my old dress costumes if you want"

Mom and Dad were in a rock and roll band in the '80s before they had me. They only stopped because Mom got pregnant with my sister and they decided it was a sign to settle down.

"Okay that's a good idea, thanks Mom"

"Okay, honey" she kissed my head "Dinner will be ready in about 20 minutes"

I go upstairs into my mom's big walk in closet and go all the way back to the farthest rack away where she keeps her old dresses. Some of them are too much. Too many sequins or still have shoulder pads in them. But I find a sparkly one with gold sequin blotches on it that isn't horrible. I try it on and it fits pretty well, although my mom does have broader shoulders so the straps are a little loose. I have to show my mom.

"Mom! Look!" I run downstairs to show her

"Oh, honey. You look beautiful, but if you want to get a dress at Mimi's I'll drive you after dinner."

"That's okay, mom. This is better than any dress I could get at Mimi's"


	9. Frankloose

"I was riding shotgun with my hair undone in the front seat of his car" yelled Panda from the driver seat. Ironically Dude sat there next to him with neither his hair down nor enjoying the song very much. I sat in the back of the car and hummed along to the beat. In any other situation I'd probably be singing along to this as passionately as Panda is. However tonight I'm a guest. Or at least that's what I'm telling myself. I feel like it definitely isn't my place to be belting out lyrics from the backseat of their first real date. Panda was nice enough to let me tag along to all the pre and post homecoming activities. We were all gonna be in the same group together anyway but this way I don't have to waste gas I guess. He didn't want me to be alone but I'm beginning to think that was the best option for me.

I mean don't get me wrong I'm very thankful for what Panda is doing for me. But I can't help but be so jealous.

It's a perfect fall night. Actually it's a perfect night in general. The town is quiet and it feels like the world is settling into place. The wind blows ever so slightly and the sun is giving everything vivid shades of pink and gold. And I can't help but feel like I'm missing out on all of this. From the backseat I can see the way they steal looks at each other every time the other looks away. I can feel that palpable aura of love in the air. That kind that sits there and rocks you to sleep and steals the words on the tip of your tongue away. It's a kind of peace you don't want to disturb. I just can't stop thinking maybe I could have had this.

We pull into the Bertelli's parking lot about an hour and a half before the dance starts. Picc, Shether, Rokin, and Dusk are already outside waiting for us to arrive. When we get out we're accosted with hugs and compliments and we almost have a mini fashion show in the parking lot. Rokin and Picc begin to start strutting back and forth across the parking lot but our time is cut short by Shether reminding us we have a reservation we can't be late to.

We all file into the small restaurant and take our seats around a table set up specifically for us. Everyone shuffles around to get a good seat beside their date. I try move to the side to let everyone get their seats worked out but Picc pulls me down into the seat between her and Dusk.

"Molly you look absolutely gorgeous!"

"Oh thank you Picc! You look amazing as well!"

"Thank you! Now listen. I have something very important to ask you"

"What is it? Is everything okay with Shether? Do I need to step in?"

"Oh no nothing like that. Shether is actually amazing. I was just wondering if you could send me the pictures you took down at the lake sometime soon."

"Oh. Yeah I can do that right now actually. Just give me a minute"

"Thank you so much Molly. This mean a lot to me." Picc says pulling me into a hug and then immediately turning around to face her date.

I fish around in my bra for a moment to get my phone. When I pull it out I realize I've already got several texts. One of them is just an old text from Panda asking me if I was ready yet. The other two were from Rokin telling me how great I looked and hoping for me that I had a good time tonight. I look up and Rokin is already watching me and smiling. I shoot him a smile and go back to my phone. I pull up the 5 pictures I had snapped of Picc and Shether earlier and sent them over to Picc. Really they were all beautiful I did a really great job. I guess it's not a hard job to do when the backdrop is one of the prettiest places in all of River City. It also is the only half decent looking place in River City but that's beside the point.

A waiter comes out and gets our orders for our drinks and our meals. I guess we were trying to save time so we could get to the dance on time but it we only had about an hour left at this point. Fashionably late is much more our style anyway.

The waiter takes our menus and disappears back somewhere into the kitchen. For a minute it's quiet and I think about trying to talk to Picc. I tap on her shoulder and her head almost snaps around to face me but Shether says something and Picc puts up a finger and her head snaps back around. I look around and everyone is locked in some kind of conversation with each other. Picc and Shether are whispering about something I can't quite hear. Everyone else is talking about the time Franklin shit himself here after a football game. Everyone is so involved with the world and I feel like I'm just here spectating. For a minute it feels awkward and lonely but I realize that's selfish. Everyone is so happy and I should be too. After all nights as perfect as this one don't come around too often.

I pull out my phone again to pass the time. So far tonight I've already taken 60 pictures. Not a single one of myself. But it's fine because every one of those 60 is a gorgeous shot of one of my friends. I mean I could have probably taken one of me. I could probably take one of me right now if the lighting in here was better.

I close out the texts and make my way over to the texts. Nothing new from anyone. I scroll and scroll for a while looking for some old conversation I can read to pass time before the food gets here. Shockingly all of my past conversations are pretty boring and all the time I spend typing and talking to these people all day is pretty boring in hindsight. However there is one. I click on Limes name and our last conversation was me asking him to hangout. The time I kissed him. And I really haven't spoken to him since then. Maybe he hates me. Or maybe I kissed him so well I made him straight. I don't it works like that but maybe it's worth a shot. I open up a text

 **Homecoming kinda sux right?**

I hit send and immediately shove my phone under leg out of embarrassment.

Colbie Callait is playing on the speakers in the restaurant. The lights are turned down low and the entire restaurant smells like pasta sauce. Everyone in my group is still lost in each other and I'm sitting here waiting for a text message from a boy who could never love me. Life's kinda funny that way you know? You can be have everyone and everything you want at the end of your fingertips but still feel lonely in a crowded room.

Our food eventually comes and we all scarf it down with 20 minutes to spare before the dance. We pay for our food at the door and we get in our cars to head over to the high school. There's still no text from Lime but maybe that's nothing to worry about.

When we get inside Dr. Pratt is there to greet us and take our tickets.

"Hey Doc! How much for a ticket?" Picc asks

"Hey Picc! It's 10 dollars!"

We all shuffle around in our bags for a moment to pull out our money. Shether pays for both her and Rokin. Dude and Panda split the cost evenly between them. Dusk and Rokin scrounge around for quarters and dimes and just barley find enough to pay for both of them. I'm the very last one in line to give my money.

"Hey Dr. Patt you having a fun time?" I say as I hand him my 20 dollar bill

"Oh you know about as fun as it can get chaperoning a high school dance!" he takes the bill and crosses my name off a list and then deposits it into a grey box beside him. "Have fun in there Molly! You look great tonight by the way!"

"Oh uh thank you Dr. Pratt. Do you mind if I have my change back?"

"Oh do you not have a date?"

"No sadly not tonight. I'm flying solo"

"Oh well then I hope you have an even better time in there!" He hands me back the bill. "Be easy on the punch tho. I heard it packs.. well more punch"

I wish adults didn't try to make jokes.

I give him a pity laugh and head into the dance.

Inside the cafeteria is completely new. Black and silver streamers hang from the walls and the school is has a new aura about it. Of course it's just homecoming in this rinky dink little school but something just feels new in here tonight.

Panda, Rokin, and Picc are already at the punch bowl and chatting it up without me. I begin to make my way over to them but I'm cutoff by the cha cha slide. People rush to the dance floor and I'm almost trampled by people's insane need to Charlie Brown. I lose sight of my friends but I think it's safe to assume they're in good hands. I grab a cup of punch and I take a seat on the edge of the room. Picc waves me over from the very middle of the dance floor but I decline. I just suddenly don't want to be in anyone's way. Everyone looks like they're having so much fun together. Most people in the building were out on the middle of the floor having the time of their life. Truthfully I want to have fun. I could use a good destressor from everything that's been going on lately. I just don't wanna do it alone.

I follow this thought spiral all the way down. My friends growing apart. I ruined what could have been a perfect night. I ruined everything actually. This dress probably looks really bad on me. My reputation is over unless I can make being a lonely piece of shit cool.

I get so spaced out that I don't even realize Franklin coming over to me.

"You okay"

"Yeah I'm fine. I'm just getting out of the way"

"Out of the way of what? This should be your night"

"But it is very much not my night. I just don't wanna drag everyone down with me again I guess."

"That's nonsense Molly. You should do whatever you want. You're the kinda queen of this place anyway."

"Kinda can't be a queen without a king" I saying resting my head onto my arms.

"So I'm guess I'm just chopped meat huh?"

"No Franklin it's not like that. It's just. Complicated"

"Well then will you let me atleast try to cheer you up?"

"And how are you gonna do that?"

"Well I have a couple party tricks up my sleeve. I was thinking after that we could go rent a hotel room and you know"

"Franklin please"

"I'm kidding" He places a hand on my shoulder "Can I have just one dance? We can catch the end of the cha cha slide if we hurry?"

"I don't know Franklin I kinda just wanted to chill here"

"Please? This I promise it will be worth your while" He gives me a deep look in my eyes. I think for once he is really serious.

"Fine but just until the end of The Cha Cha slide okay?"

"That's more than enough for me!"

He extends his hand and leads me out onto the dancefloor. For the first time I can see the dj's face. I can also finally see the entire cafeteria and how it's been decorated. It's even more beautiful than I thought before. Somehow they've managed to make this place look like a proper ballroom.

We get to a relatively empty spot in the room and we begin to fall in line with the rest of the room. The Cha Cha slide has a unique ability to make everyone doing it feel dumb for doing it but not dumb enough to ever stop. It's like a big inside joke that you don't even realize is about yourself. And somehow that's fun.

We get out on the dance floor and he immediately gets in the groove. I can't help but laugh at the way he does everything. He makes it look so easy to be having fun. He sees that I'm not nearly into it as much as he is and he wraps his arm around me. I can't help but smile when he smiles at me. We dance side by side like this for the last minute of the song and when it's over he doesn't let me go. We stay there and hold this moment for just a second longer.

Suddenly the mood shifts and the whole room gets a bit heavier. The Dj puts on "I Hope You Dance" and most of the non-couples leave the floor. I can see my friends from across the room. They're all already wrapped up in their dates and rocking back and forth to the music. I guess this is what it looks like when a father gives his daughter away. They grow up so fast.

I get so caught up in this moment I forget that Franklin and I are still standing here with his arm around me. I look up with him and he looks down at me. I can tell that he wants this dance too. I spin around in his arm and I place my hands right up by his neck. His arm slides down my back onto my waist and the other comes to meet it on the other side. He looks me in the eyes and I feel calm. I've never done this with a boy before but somehow and somewhere deep down inside me this feels right. We begin to sway as Lee Ann serenades us off to another planet. I can feel the way the air gets thinner around us like we're really in another world. I can feel his hands ever so lightly on my hips. But most importantly I can feel his eyes looking at me like I'm brand new.

Maybe I was wrong about all of this. Maybe I was looking in the wrong places. Maybe I just don't know a lot of what I thought I did. But what I do know is that this night is sparkling and I never want him to let me go. I've never felt more at home than I do right now. I push into him and bury my face into his chest. He tightens his grip around me in response. What a perfect night this is.


	10. Boogie Hammers

A couple minutes later and Franklin and I are still in each others arms. After the first song he never let go so neither did I. We stay this way for what feels like forever. We stayed this way into the next song and the song after that. It feels so good to not be alone.

"The Climb" by Miley Cyrus fades out when suddenly, a banjo starts up and everyone gasps as Taylor began to sing.

"You're on the phone with your girlfriend, she's upset…"

Franklin and I exchange a knowing look. We both know there's no way we continue slow dancing through Taylor Swift. I loosen my grip around his neck a little and he slides his hands around the side of my hips.

"Stay close" He says

Suddenly we're barraged with a mass of people rushing the dance floor. They push and shove us in their mad dash to get to the front. Franklin grabs my hand and suddenly we're back in each others arms weathering this storm of people.

"If you could see that I'm the one who understands you…" Taylor continues. Everyone is jumping and screaming along and when Franklin let's me go again we do too. This is one of those moments where I wish I could see myself outside of my own body. I have to imagine this all looks like something out of a movie. I look around and see everyone having just pure fun. Even the teachers are bobbing their heads to the beat. I've never seen this much life and excitement in one place. And I'm sitting here right in the middle of it surrounded by my friends and their friends and their friends friends. This must be the sublime.

I briefly leave the dance floor because my feet are starting to hurt. I take off my silver and gold heels, and pretty soon the rest of the girls follow suit. Before long there's a pile of shiny high heels in the corner of the cafeteria. It wasn't long before all of the girls put their flat ironed pin straight hair into ponytails so they could dance without their necks sweating. By now, all of our makeup is being sweated off as well. We look like hot messes, actually. Why go through all the effort of getting fancy high heels and spending hours doing your hair only to throw it up in a ponytail? I don't know, but we don't seem to question it.

When I get back to the dance floor Franklin is still there waiting for me. He's got a little bit of sweat on his brow line but who doesn't right now.

"I'm the one that makes you laugh when you know you're bout to cry.." Taylor sings

"You know this is a really great song. Very relatable you know?" Franklin says turning to me

"I didn't know you were a Taylor Swift fan?"

"Everyone is a Taylor Swift fan. It's hard to really deny how amazing she is. I mean have you seen the music video for this song? It's very.." He trails off and looks directly in my eyes. "Relatable. You know?"

"Yeah it's really great it should win some kind of award."

He doesn't say anything else. He just raises his eyebrows and continues to stare at me. Maybe he's trying to tell me something. What that thing is is completely lost on me. I search back through my thoughts to try and understand what signs I might have missed. Before I can even start thinking too deeply about this he slips his hand into mine.

"Molly can we talk?"

"We're talking right now silly!"

"No I mean I have something important to tell you and I really need you to listen to what I'm about to say"

My heart drops in my chest. Suddenly I'm really embarrassed. Of what? I don't know. Maybe I'm embarrassed of myself. Or I'm embarrassed for Franklin. Or maybe I'm just embarrassed for what's about to happen. It's really hard to organize your thoughts when you're staring down the barrel of someone else's dreams.

"Molly I know I don't exactly know you extremely well" he starts off "But when I'm with you I feel like a completely different person. But not in a bad way. You've made me realize that I've been pretending for so long and I didn't even realize it. When I'm with you I feel like I'm truly myself again" He reaches to grab my other hand. His hands are cold and trembling. More sweat pours down his face and neck as he talks. I've never seen him this confidently nervous before. He must have practiced this a thousand times.

The song fades out and people start to leave the dance floor as another slow song comes on. But we are stuck here almost frozen in time.

"You just make me really happy" He continues. "I thought when you said you didn't wanna go with me that we couldn't be a thing. And I know we still don't even know each other that well but this night has been just absolutely unreal. I just don't want to let it go…"

"Franklin."

"Yes?"

"I'm glad you've had such a fun time with me tonight. I've actually had the time of my life too. You seriously saved this entire experience."

"I do my best"

"But listen. This just can't go any farther. I like you a lot but just not like that. You're a great guy and you're gonna make someone really happy. Who knows that person might even be me someday. But that day just isn't today. I'm sorry"

I let go of his hands and give him a really big hug. He doesn't seem too sad. I think he understands. We part ways and I'm off to find Panda and the rest of the crew.

* * *

We get to Roller Joe's still in our homecoming garb. The homecoming and prom after parties are always here because it's the only recreational building large enough to fit all of us.. I look around the rink and even peer over the other wall to the bowling lanes but I don't see Franklin anywhere. Poor guy, his ego must be pretty bruised, but I can't help that I don't have feelings for him. I try to push the guilt out of my head so I can enjoy the after party.

We all got our skates and rolled out onto the rink. We did a couple of loops as a group, but pretty soon everyone splintered off into couples and I was left skating to "Staying Alive" bye the Bee Gees by myself. The energy in this place is almost as electric as it was at the dance. People are just having fun and enjoying themselves. Even when Hammer falls and causes a small pile up it's all smiles.

I go over to the pile to try and help people get up. There's a couple people that can barely stand up on skates as it is. And then there's Hammer. How he even stands without the skates on is a mystery to me. I help him up and he puts his arm around my shoulder and leans into me for support. We find a spot off to the side and we sit down at a table together.

"Molly thank you so much I thought I was gonna die out there!"

"Well it's the least I could do. That looked like a pretty nasty fall"

"Yeah I guess I don't exactly have the seas legs cut out for this yet. Hey where is Franklin?"

"Uh I don't know? He must have gone home or something I guess. Why do you ask"

"Oh I just thought you two were together"

"Why would you think that?"

"Well it looked like you two were definitely having a moment back at the dance I just thought.."

"Oh no. That was just two friends hanging out. How did you even hear about that I didn't see you at the dance?"

"Well it's all everyone is talking about you know. You two are kind of a power couple"

"We're not a couple" I shoot back. I look up and see nearly everyone's eyes trained on me and Hammer. I guess I had forgotten how easily I draw attention to myself. I also see Panda and Dude skating up to us. Panda confidently skates in front and Dude hangs off his back for his dear life.

"Hey Molly can we talk for a second?" Panda says

"Yeah sure what about?"

"Well me and dude have kinda made other plans and we're leaving pretty soon."

"What do you mean changed plans? You're not going to Naps's party later?"

"No we're uh gonna go somewhere else"

"Oh well can I come with you?"

"No this is just a me and Dude thing"

"Panda what the fuck?"

"Excuse me?"

"You're just gonna leave me here?"

"No? I'm sure you can find a ride or something"

"You're not even gonna help me find a ride?"

"You'll be fine I swear. Just chill."

"Don't tell me to chill. This is really selfish of you"

"Selfish? Of me? You're one to talk about selfish princess."

"What is that supposed to mean? You've barely talked to me all day and now you're just gonna ditch me? Fuck you Panda."

"Molly you need to calm down and take a good look at yourself."

"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?"

"It means you're easily the most selfish person I know. You remember that night that man broke into your house? Who the fuck was there for you after? Who called the police? Who held you when you couldn't stop crying? And you never once gave me so much as a thank you. Fuck off okay?"

"I never asked for any of that"

"You didn't ask for anything! You just take and take from everyone and you don't care! You've used me, you used your parents, you used Franklin. Hey Hammer are you listening? I know you have a crush on her too. If you aren't careful she's gonna use your ass too."

Hammer looked like a deer in headlights and I sat silently. There's no point in arguing with Panda when he gets like this.

"Let's get out of here dude. Fuck you Molly have a nice time being a piece of shit" Panda and Dude skate away even angrier than they had skated up to us.

"Hey are you okay?" Hammer asks

"Oh yeah I'm fine. I never put much stock into what Panda says when he gets mad like that. I know he doesn't really mean it."

"I don't know he seemed like he really meant that"

"He's just drunk and in love. He'll be fine come monday"

"Well I'm here for you if you need it"

"Thanks hammer that means a lot to me. This night has kinda sucked"

"Yeah I feel that. It just feels like disappointment after disappointment."

"Yeah exactly. All my friends have ditched me and I have never felt so alone."

"But at least you have me now right?"

We both chuckle

Suddenly the lights dim even more and a slow song starts to play. Hammer stands up and holds out his hand for me to grab. I take it and I only follow him a few feet before he almost falls over again. He gets up and he puts his arm around my waist to stabilize himself. I return the favor and we enter the rink and skate the rest of the night away. Life can be kinda funny sometimes.


	11. Something About Naps

You would think going around and around a rink to all of today's hits would get boring eventually. But it wasn't. Being with Hammer just made it fun. He's always goofing around to make people laugh or smile. It's always amazing to me how boys can just make everything alright. Of course they're pretty fucking dumb most of the time. But every now and then when it really counts you get a guy like Hammer. A guy that knows how to do this right. And everything falls into place.

As long as I can remember Hammer has been hanging off of me while we skated. I imagine there was probably some point earlier where we weren't tied at the hip but that me is long gone now. I've forgotten all about Panda and Franklin and college and all the other shitty things going on. Right now I'm just flying. You know how we all screamed our brains out along to Taylor Swift at the dance? Well now Jay Sean was the man of the hour.

"So baby don't worry, you are my only. You won't be lonely, even if the sky is falling down..."

This night is sparking. The way the lights gleam off the floor and bounce off the dresses. The way my heart beats along to the music. The thickness in the air around us and the lump in my hypnotic motion of everyone going around in circles that puts you in a trance. It's the kind of night that's a powderkeg ready to burst with possibilities.

Lil wayne begins his verse and suddenly Hammer is the most alive he has been all night. Usually they don't play the rap version on the radio so most people have no clue what's going on. But Hammer is screaming the lyrics even harder than anyone was screaming the main part of the song. He tries to stand up straight but he immediately falls back off balance and leans even harder into me. I've been able to handle him all night but this time is too much for me and we both go tumbling onto the ground. I land hard on my ass and Hamer lays spread eagle on top of me.

Now on any other night this would probably be some kind of life ending experience. My skirt is hiked up so high probably everyone in the building can see every inch of me. Hammer drunkenly stumbling over me trying to get up. We've basically debris in the road and now people have to skate around us.

Tonight however, it's different. While hammer is scrambling and accidently groping me I just lay there and take it all in. This moment is to perfect to be ruined. Eventually he just gives up too and sits down right beside me. He's right beside me but he's looking right at me. He's got this look in his eyes that I must've seen a thousand times.

"Molly I'm so sorry. I'm not so good at skating" He lowers his voice and turns his face toward the ground. It's really cute actually. I can't help but smile

"Hammer it's more than fine. This night has been amazing all thanks to you"

"What did I do?"

"Well you've been here for me this whole time when no one else has been. I can't begin to thank you for just letting me not feel so lonely for awhile."

He blushes. I blush. It's a blushing party. The music still blares and people are giving us a pretty nasty look as they skate by. But Hammers still got this dumb look on his face that won't let me stop smiling.

"Hey Hammer can I ask you something?"

"As long as I can ask you something"

"Yeah of course. You first."

"Oh no you should definitely go first."

"Okay well I was just wondering why you showed up here if you didn't know how to skate?"

"Oh I just wanted to come hang out with my friends and... I wanted to see someone"

"Oh you have your eye on someone?"

"Uh yeah kinda. I guess you could say that" Hammer suddenly gets really distant. He's looking at me but he's staring a thousand yards through me.

"So who is it?"

"Who is what?"

"Who were you looking for?"

"Oh just my friends"

"You have your eye on your friends? Kinda gay."

"Yeah maybe. It's kinda cool to be gay now tho you know." Now he's just avoiding all eye contact. His head is down and he isn't even swaying to the beat

"So Hammer.."

"Yes Molly?"

"You said you had a question to ask"

"Oh yeah. I guess I should ask that huh."

It takes a while but he eventually looks back up at me. Right in my eyes. He's got that look again. He knows what's coming. I know what's coming. Hell everyone in the room knows what's coming.

The thing about powderkeg nights is that the don't last forever. They burn bright and fast with passion. You gotta hold onto that feeling before it bursts because sometimes you're on the wrong side of the explosion.

"So Molly…"

"Hammer this is gonna be a lot less painful if you're honest with me and yourself."

"Hm I guess you're right." He pauses and stares off into the distance and then right back into my eyes. "So you know I have a huge crush on you right?"

"Yeah I figured"

"And?  
"And what?"

"Well I mean I just wanna know what you're thinking about this"

"Oh well I mean I really appreciate it but I can't stay here Hammer. You're too young for me anyway. I'm really sorry. One day maybe. Don't lose hope on me okay?"

"Yeah I guess."

Hammer's taking this a lot worse than Franklin. He won't even look at me or look up for that matter. I guess I wasn't delicate enough. I've never really been with this kind of stuff. I try to think of something to say. Anything to make this less awkward.

"Hey Molly." Picc calls out from behind me

Thank god

"Panda gave me your clothes and said you were riding with us to Naps'. We're about to leave. You coming?"

"Yeah I'll be right there. See you later Hammer."

It's 1am by the time we get to Naps' house. Fashionably late as always. And Panda isn't even with us. It's the normal scene at Naps' house. It's one of the big houses outside of town like mine. Although I think his was definitely on plantation land at some point. His parents leave just about every weekend so he has the house all to himself. If he's not staying up to watch SNL, he's throwing some kind of rager. Seems like everyone came out this weekend. There's a random assortment of high schoolers passed out and throwing up outside and even more doing it inside. I make my way up to the top floor. It has the only bathroom in Naps house that i'm sure no one else knows about. I just need some peace and quiet for awhile. I have to weave in and out of people just to get through the front door. Several people almost spill their beers on me. When I get to the top of the stairs there's just a guy banging a tibia painted red on the wall. He must have stolen it from Naps' model skeleton. Surely not the weirdest thing I'll see at this party but it's definitely gonna be up there.

I get into the bathroom and shut and lock the door behind me. Finally some peace and quiet. Well except for the guy banging the tibia on the wall right next to my head. Oddly enough it sounds kinda nice though.

I get changed out of my dress and into my party clothes and before I leave I take a good long look at myself in the mirror. My makeup is smudged slightly around my eyes. I must have been crying at some point tonight. It's impossible to tell if they were tears of joy or anguish at this point. It's been a wild rollercoaster of a night. Why couldn't I just have a nice time without having it be ruined so many times. I never asked for guys to like me, in fact, I wish they would leave me alone. But then again, I also really _want_ somebody, y'know? Someone I can slow dance with like I slowed danced with Franklin, and someone to skate with and have fun like I did with Hammer. I'm kind of over this night at this point. I hate myself. I hate Franklin. I hate Hammer.

I take another look in the mirror. My hair is coming undone. My shirt sits awkwardly on my shoulders. I look like a clown. Maybe I don't mean all those things. Maybe I don't know what I mean at all. It's time to get drunk.

I exit the bathroom and there's a light coming from down the hall. I thought I was the only one who knew about this upstairs sanctuary but I guess not. I make my way down the hall and enter the room. Whoever it is has their back to the doorway and is too busy doing something on the computer to hear me walk in.

"Having fun?" I call out

The small kid at the computer whips around in the chair almost knocking it over the whole desktop.

"Molly! You aren't supposed to be up here?"

"What do you mean I'm not supposed to be up here Kappy? What are you doing? How are you even here? Shouldn't this be illegal?"

"Eh, it's whatever. Don't worry about me, what are YOU doing up here?"

"Well I was just getting away from the party for a minute. I wasn't aware you owned this room?"

"Yeah a couple parties ago Naps let me download Runescape on this computer and I just come here and play."

"Why don't you just play at your own house"

"Play at my own what"

"Okay sure"

"I know runescape is kinda nerdy and really old. I hope you don't think less of me"

"Oh no I still play it too. All the time actually. Well, play it is a very loose term. Most of the time I just sit around and fish."

"Oh yeah I do that most of the time too. What's your username? Maybe we can play together some time."

"Oh it's just Molly450, boring I know"

"Are you serious?"

"Uh yeah why?"

"We've definitely played together before"

"Really? How do you know? What's your username?"

Kappy doesn't say a word. He just points to the screen. I walk over closer to the computer and that's when I see it. It's him. Newt301 in the flesh.

"Kappy are you serious right now?"

"I mean I'm obviously not lying"

"Why don't you ever talk to me you little bitch?"

"Uh, good question, well, I, uh. I don't know. If I had known it was you I definitely would have talked though!"

"Yeah mhm sure you would have"

"I'm really sorry, Molly" he says sinking into his chair

"It's okay dude. I gotta go now, though. I should probably make sure Dusk and Rokin haven't eaten each other or nobody has died or something. Do you want the door shut"

"Yes please and I guess I'll see you around then"

"Don't count on it newt boy"

I shut the door behind me and head downstairs. Suddenly i'm stuck back here in reality with everyone else. I find an empty spot on the couch next to my friends and decide to just veg out for awhile. Tonight can still be my night though. I've aleady come back from this once I can still do it. This powderkeg hasn't exploded yet. I'm just gonna sit here on Naps' couch and drink and try not to pay attention to Rokin and Dusk basically hooking up right beside me and wait until it hits.

"Hey Molly" Kate comes up to me and sits on the arm of the couch

Damnit

"Hey Kate, what's up?"

"Not much. I just don't really know what to do because I don't have anyone to do that with" she points to Rokin and Dusk.

"I'm with ya" I roll my eyes

"Really? Because I saw you and Franklin at the dance, and then you and Hammer at Roller Joe's…"

"Yeah, well, those were both a bust. So I'm gonna ride this out on my own"

"Okay, well, I think I'm gonna walk home. Apparently there was a bad wreck so my mom is coming to get me early" Kate got up from the arm

"Oh, okay, see you later Kate"

Can you believe the only two drivers in this god forsaken town managed to hit each other? Stupid high schoolers. Don't fucking drink and drive. I hope everyone is okay though.

The night has been tame up until "Love In This Club" by Usher comes on. Everyone starts grinding and making out. That is everyone except Rokin and Dusk, who were now horizontal on the couch and didn't seem to care that I was right next to them. I decide to get up and go to the kitchen where the keg was and get a refill on my disgusting beer. Does anyone actually like beer? Where's the pop? I like pop. Maybe there's some in the fridge.

"Hey, nice ass" someone says to me while I'm leaning down to grab a Coke from the fridge

"Hey buddy get lost I'm not in the moo-" I turn around to see Naps, clearly drunk, standing in front of me "Well it takes one to know one huh?"

"Thank you. I'd like to think I have excellent taste when it comes to asses. You gotta pay me back for that Coke eh, that's my little brothers'" Naps' Canadian accent is extra thick tonight. Probably because of the alcohol.

"Oh, I'm sorry, I just hate beer and I'm already kinda tipsy" I crack open the pop anyway

"You don't drink beer for the TASTE! You DRINK it to get SCHWASTED WOOOO" Naps shouts and there are similar shouts in response from the next room

"I think you should drink some water, you're very drunk" I giggle

"And I don't think YOU'RE drunk ENOUGH" he puts his arm around me and some of his Keystone Light spills onto the floor

We walk back into the living room and, I don't know how this is possible but Rokin and Dusk are even more all over each other on the couch. I wish they would just fuck and get it over with

"Isn't there a room we can direct them to?" I ask Naps

"Not really. I don't want anyone VIOLATING my family's rooms upstairs."

"Why not offer up your room?"

"I, uh, am saving my room for myself" Naps winks at me

Usually I would have brushed that off but this night has been horrible in many different ways.

"Oh? Who did you have in mind to go up there with?" I move closer to him

"Uh- well, I noticed you came here alone without Franklin or Hammer so…"

"Yeah believe it or not all that got fucked up. I haven't exactly had the best night if I'm being honest"

"Well you wanna talk about it up in my room?"

"Hm I'd love to but don't think I'm gonna be that easy!"

He takes my hand and practically drags me off the couch.

We start hurrying up the stairs. Rokin peels himself from Dusk's face long enough to wink at me and give me a thumbs up as if to give me his blessing.

Once we get to the top of the stairs I am greeted to a table along the far wall filled with framed pictures of Naps' family. A picture of a tiny Naps in hockey gear, a school picture of his little brother, and a family portrait.

"Come on, my room is on the left"

We get to his door, which has a bunch of stickers on it. The biggest one just says "Hoser" and I chuckle a bit. We get into his room and he immediately slams the door. I take a seat on the edge of his bed and he pulls up a chair right in front of me.

"So what's up with you?"

"Well first I was just feeling shitty about not having a date and I was stuck in Panda's car and then i was stuck like 9th wheeling at dinner and then I was stuck at homecoming and-"

"And then Franklin saved you?"

"He probably thinks he saved me. I was just lonely and I thought he was too. But he turned it into something more that I just don't think I'm ready for."

"And Hammer?"

"Same deal really. I can't stop myself from this cycle. And this isn't even mentioning the fight I had with Panda. Naps tell me something. Is every boy in this school in love with me?"

"Well all the straight ones I know of at least are."

"Great just great. What about you?"

"What about me?"

"Are you in love with me too? Did you bring me up to to profess your love or did you just wanna fuck?"

"Molly.." He gets up off the chair in front of me and takes a seat of the bed right beside me. "I can't lie to you I like you a lot. But I didn't bring you up here for any of those reasons. I just like being with you."

"Oh. Well thank you for not making me break your heart too."

"Oh so you don't love me back?"

"Naps please"

"Okay, Okay. I was just joking. Truthfully I haven't had the best night either" he says leaning back till he's flat on his back

"Oh yeah? It looked like you were having an amazing time?"

"Nah none of it worked out. It's actually been a really awful night"

"Well what happened?"

"Well I haven't got laid yet and someone broke one of my moms vases a couple hours ago"

"Naps please"

"What these are SERIOUS problems!"

"What is with your obsession with sex?"

"Well have you ever had sex before?"

"Wouldn't you love to know"

"Well I haven't either. I heard it's mind blowing."

"If you're trying to get me out of my clothes it isn't working."

"Yeah I figured."

The music from the party is just barely audible from up here. You can hear the bass but not much else. The only light in the room is coming from the lamp across the room on his desk. It just barely reaches us and lights up his face. You know he doesn't look so bad from this angle. I lay back right beside him. He looks at me and shuffles a little closer and looks at me again. I think he's waiting to see how he's gonna react. I think it's time I stop trying to control everything and just let things happen to me.

"You know I'm really sorry you had such a shit night Molly." He whispers "I don't think it's your fault though."

"How so?" I whisper back

"You can't control everything you know. You just gotta do what you feel is right in the moment and hope it's what is best for yourself."

Maybe he's right. Maybe this is the worst advice I've ever been given.

"Thanks. I'll try to remember that."

He shuffles a little bit closer and puts his arm around me. He's got his bed nearly perfectly made. I can't see the corn fields from his bedroom window. There's a couple hockey trophies throughout the room. The light glimmers off of them. But none of them capture the light like Naps is right now.

"You know my eighteenth birthday was a couple days ago? He whispers

I prop myself up on one elbow and face him and he does the same.

"Is that door locked?" I ask. He doesn't even hear me

He leans in and kisses me. He sobered up a bit during our talk so it wasn't quite as sloppy as I was expecting, but it's too nice.

"Is this okay?" he asks

"More than okay."

He goes back in and I add tongue to deepen the kiss, and he seems more than okay with this. He starts shifting around and I know immediately what he wants. He shifts his weight so that he is on top of me but he never once breaks the kiss. He draws small circles on the exposed part of my chest and it drives me wild. I put my hands under his shirt and pull it up trying to get it off of him. But once I get mine off he is there immediately trying to get rid of his too. I sit up a little bit to help him get it off and I can feel his hands as they glide up my body.

I wish I had worn my black bra that was lower cut, but I wasn't expecting this to happen tonight so I went with my comfortable beige one that was very worn.

"I know, it's ugly I'm sorry I should have worn a different one" I apologize

"No, no it's fine I'm just kind of disappointed you have one on in the first place" he smiles and lies back on top of me.

"Wait aren't you going to take this off?" I laugh

"Not quite yet princess" he smirks and leans back in for a kiss. This time he has full range of my body and I have his. He plants one kiss right at the base of my neck and then one at the bottom of my jaw. But suddenly my phone starts ringing. It's the special ringtone I gave to Panda. He's just gonna have to wait.

I feel around on his hips and his waist. Every now and then I dip a finger below his pants waistband and he kisses me even harder.

Phones ringing again.

But now Naps has his hands in my hair and I can feel him through his jeans.

But the phone doesn't stop ringing. Panda must have called me at least four times by now.

"I think that sounds kinda important. You should take it. I'll be right here when you get back" He says as he lets me go and hands me my phone. 5 missed calls from Panda and another one coming in right now.

"Hello?"

"Oh hey Molly!" Came dudes voice over the phone.

"Oh hey Dude what's up?"

"Well uh something happened and we're kinda at the hospital. I just thought I would let you know."

"Dude what the fuck? What happened?"

"Well we kinda got in a wreck. I'm okay but they wanted to keep Panda for a little bit longer"

"Oh fuck"

"Yeah I think they actually need me back in the room now so I gotta go but uh have a goodnight night. I'll see you around."

"Oh okay bye"

"Who was that?" Naps asks "You look like you've seen a ghost!"

"It was Dude. He said they got in some kind of wreck. I don't know"

"Oh then should we stop"

"Uh no I think we're good. Let's get this bra off now."

I scoot back over on the bed to him and he tries to feel for the clasp on my back, but he can't find it.

"Where the fuck is the clasp thing"

"This has a front clasp" I saw as I unfasten it.

"We won't be needing THAT" he says as he chucks my bra on the floor

He reaches down and takes off my shorts in one swift motion and throws those on the floor too. Now I am almost completely naked and he still has his pants and shoes still on. Something doesn't seem right about that. I reach down and unzip his pants and he practically falls out. Holy shit he is hard, I can feel it pressing into my thigh.

All of a sudden I am nervous. Do I really want to lose my virginity to Naps at a party? While we're both kind of drunk? This isn't how I thought it'd be. And what about Panda? I should at least go check on him.

But then Naps has his hands on my hips again and he's pulling me closer. His hands feel cold on my naked body and his lips feel even more foreign on my chest. I reach down to try and get his pants off but I'm stopped about halfway through with a jolt of pleasure.

This is probably really wrong.

He takes a second to step out of his shoes and then he's back to my lips. Suddenly I can feel his hands on my butt. He's grabbing and pinching every bit that he can get. I pick my legs up and wrap them around him so he can have a little better access but suddenly I can feel a couple of his fingers slip down the sides of my panties.

"Naps wait."

"What is it? Am I going too fast? I can slow down?"

"I don't think it's that…"

"It's Panda isn't it?"

"Yeah."

"I understand." He pulls his pants back up and assembles the rest of his outfit. "I'll stand outside the door so you can get dressed." He doesn't look me in the eyes and quickly heads toward the door

"Naps wait!"

He stops right in the doorway

"Thank you so much for all of this."

"It's the least I could do I guess. Tell Dude I'm glad he's okay."


	12. Fuck

So where do I even begin to start with all of this?

"You could take us to the library first!" one of the kids from near the front of the group whose name I couldn't remember says. There's so many of these kids it's hard to keep track. Way more than were in my class that's for sure. This school is gonna be huge pretty soon.

"You know what that sounds like a great idea!" I said. "There's a lot of history there."

I don't know how I got stuck giving tours of the high school for the incoming freshmen. Not that I didn't mind doing it. All these kids are so well behaved after all. I'm just confused as to why they would pick me. But I guess I should be grateful. It at least means I get to miss class.

From behind me I can hear all the ooh's and aah's from the kids looking around at all the school has to offer. Which really isn't much but it's a considerable step up from the middle school. After a while I find myself looking around with them. Seeing everything in fresh eyes for the first time in forever. Homecoming to Christmas felt like a blur. I'm not entirely sure when it happened but i feel like everything went back to being...surprisingly normal? I'm friends with all of the usual suspects again, although things are still a bit awkward. I don't even know how to begin to rebuild friendships with anyone. We mostly just don't talk about it anymore.

"Molly!"

Suddenly Panda is behind us just now walking into school. I guess I shouldn't be surprised.

"You're coming to Rebecca's after graduation tomorrow right?" he says

"Yeah of course! I wouldn't miss it for the world." I say "We should take some pictures later! I brought the kodak I got for christmas!"

And then he gives me the biggest hug and hurries off to class. I get lost in thought again but only for a minute because there's someone tugging on my shoulder.

"Hey miss did he just say you're graduating?" says the same little kid from before. I feel a bit ashamed I really can't remember their name. Kinda? Keena? Something like that.

"Yeah I am. The ceremony is tomorrow!"

"Are you excited?"

"I don't know honestly. It's all a bit bittersweet. I'm excited but I'm scared. There's just too much to process right now. I bet you feel the same way?"

"Yeah maybe a little. This place is pretty intimidating. You have any advice for me?"

Any advice? How am I supposed to give any advice. I'm not nearly qualified enough for this. But luckily I'm saved by the library. I push into the doors to let everyone in.

"I think I'll have to get back to you on that one" I say. She grins like she understands and then joins the rest of the group.

"Alright everyone!" I say in the loudest whisper I can muster. "There's a lot to explore here so I'm not gonna be strict here. Just find something you like but please don't leave the library. And have fun!" And with my directions all the kids began to spread out all over the library.

"Hey Molly." Says a voice from behind me. I turn around and Franklin is standing right leaning against a desk right behind me. He looks like he wants to smile but he's not quite sure if he's allowed to. I can see how uncomfortable he is around me. I wave back at him, give him a big smile, and then quickly turn around. No need to make any of this anymore awkward.

"Listen" he says in a low tone right behind me and much closer than before. "I'm sorry for being such a dick."

"What do you mean?" I say turning around to face him.

"I mean I acted like a dick. I was being way too selfish and insecure."

"I don't understand franklin. But it's fine i'm leaving and you won't have to to worry about it."

"I miss when we used to be friends and watch anime and all that. I don't really know what else to just say but I'm sorry. "

And for a second I let myself be taken aback by this confession. I don't really know what to say either. And I can't look him in the eyes but I can feel that he doesn't know what to do either. I can feel how bad he wants to be near me. But then from across the library i can see some kids have gotten into the board games. Playing the same games we used to play. Some kids look at books. They all do different things but they're all having fun. And I snap back into reality. My reality. Not his or theirs. One that's mine. Isolated from all the things I've done or all the texts i've let go unanswered. And you know what? It's not scary anymore. Being by myself that is. Being lonely.

And we just sit there in silence for a while.

I look out over the Library. Jim and Isol are already here and they know a couple of the eighth graders. I've never seen them look so at home. I've never seen this place look more alive. Everything is gonna be just fine without me.

"Molly, I'm kinda upset you didn't ask us to pregame with you not gonna lie" Rokin said

"Ha ha Rokin. This really isn't the time."

Picc rubs my back and holds all my hair in a ponytail behind my head while i throw up all my guts in the handicap stall of the bathroom right outside the gym. "You okay Molly?" she asks

"Yeah. I'm fine. Just a little nerves." I reply

"That's strange the Molly I know hardly ever gets nervous" Picc says

"Maybe the Molly you know Hasn't ever given a speech like this infront of the entire school like this before."

"You're gonna be fine Molly. Relax. You earned this" Rokin says

I earned this. I earned this? That's a weird way to phrase it. I go to protest Rokin but i'm interrupted by another pull of my intestines. Picc is there again to rub my back and pull all my cords out of the way. I earned this.

Suddenly there's a knock on the door.

"Everything okay in there?" Panda asks

"Yeah everything is fine guys come on in." Picc says

"So I see Molly has decided that everything is way too easy again so now we're throwing up 45 minutes before her graduation to make it a challenge." Panda says

"Panda please." Dude says. "Molly can we get you anything?"

"Nah I'm good everything will be fine." I answer.

I earned this.

"I'm gonna go find you some water anyway. I'll be right back." Dude says. As he turns to leave I hear a couple more people enter the room. Some whispering goes on and then finally voices speak.

"Hey Molly." Naps says

"You okay?" Hammer asks

I earned this.

"Yeah uh I'm fine." I say. I'm standing on my feet now.

"Well uh goodluck with your speech. I can't wait to hear what you're gonna say!" Naps says.

"Yeah me too! And I'm excited for the party at Rebecca's later!" Hammer adds

I peak out of the stall and there is everyone. Panda, Rokin, Naps, Hammer, Picc, and Dude who cracks open the door and hands me a water bottle. I earned this

But did I really?

Did I really earn all these cords around my neck?

Did I really earn Picc's hands still rubbing my back?

Did I really earn having all these people here for me watching me throw up?

I haven't done any work or even really tried. And all these people. They've worked so hard and I just have it.

Maybe I did earn all of this in some backwards twisted fate.

But i sure as hell don't deserve any of it.

"And now I'd like to welcome to the stage your valedictorian. Molly Roth Caesar!" Mr. Frog says. I walk up to the stage and everyone claps for what seems like forever. And then I finally take my place at the podium. And I look out at everyone. So many faces we're looking at me and smiling like somehow they knew me. And maybe they did. From stories and tall tales told about me. Maybe they knew me better than I knew myself. They definitely know me better than i know them. Like from here I can see Naps's parents. And I imagine they know so much about me but I know nothing about them. And suddenly everyone is quiet and waiting for me to speak. I wonder if they already know or think they know everything i'm about to say.

"All the world's a stage, And all the men and women merely players; They have their exits and their entrances; And one man in his time plays many parts. I'm sure a lot of you will recognize this quote from William Shakespeare's famous play As You Like it. You can ask a lot of people about what this means and you might be surprised at all the different answers you get. Today I just wanted to give you all my interpretation. As we all go into this next act of our lives we're gonna be faced with adversity. Sometimes we're gonna feel like our fate is unavoidable. Like we're actors in a play written by a cynic. Or characters in a story that is told without an omniscient narrator. As we make our entrances and exits I think the thing we need to remember is that we earned this. Maybe we had some stepping stones in front of us or a script to read off of. But we're here. We did this. Alone. Nobody got us in these seats but us. We're merely actors in a story we didn't write but remember the show can't go on without us. Remember without your dark night of the soul you can't get your happy ending. But also remember without a reader your story doesn't continue. So yes the whole world is a stage. College is a stage. High School is a stage. Friendship is a stage. And the director comes an hour early to practice everyday just to remind you how late you are. And the script is long and heavy and the lights burn bright. But just know there aren't or never have been any stage directions. Thank you everyone. And congratulations seniors you guys deserve this."

Lime brings a cake out and sets it in the middle of the big table that's been prepared just for me in Rebecca's. Hammer, Naps, And Franklin are all fighting over the iPod dock so they could Dj. TK and Isol set out plates for everyone. Picc, Panda, and Rokin all are rearranging the gifts on the couch that's been pushed off into the corner.

I'm still in my car in my cap and gown watching this all go down. I don't think any of them have realized I've been sitting here watching them for a while now. It's kinda cute though how they're all scrambling around to do this. Just for me. And then suddenly a car pulls up to the front door and Extra gets out. He waves to his parents as they drive back down the dusty road in the center of town and then i must catch his eye or something because he comes right over to my car.

"Hey Molly! Sorry I'm late!"

"Oh hey Extra! It's no problem I haven't even gone inside yet myself actually."

"Oh okay. Well I really liked your speech!"

"Really? I thought everyone hated it?"

"No no no!" it was awesome. Very T.S Eliot of you."

"You think so?"

"No! I am not Prince Hamlet, nor was meant to be; Am an attendant lord, one that will do. To swell a progress, start a scene or two, Advise the prince; no doubt, an easy tool. Deferential, glad to be of use, Politic, cautious, and meticulous. Full of high sentence, but a bit obtuse. At times, indeed, almost ridiculous Almost, at times, the Fool."

"Prufrock?"

"Of course."

"And you just know that off the top of your head?"

"Don't question it."

"Sorry"

"Anyway my point is it was really nice. I'm not even graduating but i've never felt more free."

Free

That sounds really nice

"Well thank you Extra. Hey could you do me a favor?"

"Yeah what is it?"

"Just don't tell anyone you saw me out here okay?"

"Uh yeah sure but is everything okay?"

I Smile. "Yeah Extra it's never been better. I just wanna make a dramatic entrance you know?"

"Oh okay fair I can do that for you! I'm gonna go inside now actually before they see me. I hope you have an amazing rest of your day Molly!"

"Thank you Extra. You too!" And he turns around and leaves. And I wait. And wait. And wait. And he disappears somewhere into the crowd in Rebecca's. And they look so happy to see him. And they all look so happy. Dancing and singing along to the song Naps finally got to play. Some song about love being their drug. Someone finally decided to cut the cake and I can tell from their faces that it must be really good. I look into the room and I can't really find anything missing. Everyone looks so complete. So effortlessly idyllic. It's warm and friendly and it's just everything in this moment. I reach up and turn my keys and feel the pur of my car as it shakes to life. I take another look and I don't think anyone noticed that. Good. I reach to my gear shift and drag it over to drive. I can't go in there and ruin this. They've earned it. My car begins to carefully roll forward and out the back of the parking lot so they don't see me. And I want to cry but I know they would be wasted tears and this was no moment to cry. I'd let it all out later. But for now. Right in this second. In this eternal moment i just listen to the sound of the wind colliding with me. And I feel the broken rays of sunshine that seep through all the corn. And I drive fast. And the car gets louder and louder. And then after a while there's nothing. No corn. No music. No rebecca's. No me. No sound of wind of engine. There's just this numbness that comes from nowhere and everywhere. It's freedom. It's earned freedom. I earned this.


End file.
